Saturday, June 28, 2014
I try to limit these posts to parodies of the Book of Mormon, but I just saw something that I thought was worth a laugh - a website focusing on science fiction and fantasy entertainment has listed the Book of Mormon as being a fairytale. You can find it here.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Intro to the Book of Mormon
An account chiseled by tools held by the hand of Mormon which did receive instructions from his brain, upon plates which had already been written upon by Nephi, but which had to be erased to make room for this abridgment – a laborious task I assure you!
An account chiseled by tools held by the hand of Mormon which did receive instructions from his brain, upon plates which had already been written upon by Nephi, but which had to be erased to make room for this abridgment – a laborious task I assure you!
Wherefore, it is an abridgment of the record of the people of Nephi, and also of the Lamanites – written to the Lamanites, and also unto the Nephites who did intermarry with the Lamanites during the 300 years of peace following the coming of the Savior, not that genetics matter in this book anyway, and also to Jew, Gentile, and pretty much every fucking person on the face of this planet, which is Earth, for behold it is written by the spirit of revelation, not to be confused with translation or accurate historical representation, and was partially sealed and hidden so that Gadianton robbers wouldn’t find it and melt it down and eat it, thus forever preventing its contents from being able to appear in the middle of a rock buried in a hat and thwarting the purposes of God forever and ever. Behold, thank the Lord your God that nobody ever took these plates away, for I Moroni did work awfully hard on the contents of that sealed portion!
There’s also a little bit written by Ether, which is a record of the people of Jared, who were scattered back when the entire population of the Earth spoke the same Babble and tried to draw near unto God, and God got so pissed off that he rewired their brains. And that’s to show how great and wonderful things the Lord hath done for his people, and that God hasn’t forgotten or reversed the language curse – and also to convince people with opposable thumbs and also people without opposable thumbs that Jesus appears to everybody, even you, believe it or not. And if there are any faults, they are the faults of men, for men did write this book, and not God.
Did I mention the Mulekites? Damn, I totally forgot to mention the Mulekites.
Scryed by Joseph Smith, JUN.
Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and mollusks, unto whom this work shall come: That we, through supernatural and magical power, have seen the highly unnecessary plates, which contain a record of the millions of people whose bones decomposed so thoroughly they’ll never be found again. And we did behold these plates with our spiritual eyes, which is to say we did not actually see them, but we did, and we have been commanded by God to say that we saw them, so it’s not like we’re going to back down anyway, and while we are heavily invested in this project and have staked our life-long reputations on it, we’re seriously not going to deny any of it, ever, for then everyone would think we’re just frauds and conmen and we’d never be able to show ourselves in public again, much less take public office. This is the 19th century after all. Just don’t ask us to solicit the opinion of any impartial observers etc... That would just be bad form and is seriously not what God is going for.
Joseph Smith’s distant cousin
Joseph Smith’s investor
Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and wookies, unto whom this work shall come, that Joseph Smith Junior, the author and proprietor of this work, has shown us the frock, or the pillowcase, which did contain the plates of which hath been spoken, which he said have the appearance of gold, but which Josiah Stowel insists look like a solid green brick, and which others say just contains a box of sand, and as many of the leaves as the said Smith has translated, as opposed to revealed by inspired revelation, we did handle in our hands, through the frock, or pillowcase, for we were forbidden to see them; and we also saw the engravings, which Joseph Smith had copied onto normal paper and sent to Charles Anthon, and they have the appearance of ancient work, and don’t make much sense at all, but are really cool nonetheless. And this we bear record with rare soberness, for we have seen and hefted the frock, or pillowcase, and it was really fucking heavy, and we lie not, so help us God.
David Whitmer’s dad
David Whitmer’s brother
David Whitmer’s other brother
David Whitmer’s sister… nah, just kidding, no girls allowed… another brother
That sister’s husband though
Joseph Smith’s dad
Joseph Smith’s brother
Joseph Smith’s other brother
The Prophet Joseph Smith’s own words about the coming forth of the Book of Mormon are:
“One night, after tricking everybody by making them dig for gold that wasn’t there, I started thinking of other cons I could pull to get out of working…
“While I was thus aplotting, I discovered a light in my room, and it did increase until a ghost appeared at my bedside, floating above my sleeping brothers, for behold there were six of us that had to share the one room.
“He had on a beautiful purplish robe that exposed his voluminous beautiful chest, which was chiseled to perfection and hairless just like my butt, and I tried to get a peek up his robe but all I could see was a little above his ankles. I could tell he was naked under that robe, though, for he did verily have an erection the size of the Eerie Canal.
“And he did shine like my farmer’s tan, only brighter, like the sun at noon day, and when I first looked directly at him I was afraid that my brothers would wake up, but none of them did, so the fear soon left me.
“And he said ‘hey Joseph,’ and I said ‘what?’ and he said ‘my name is Nephi, please don’t forget that detail. God wants you to start a church and become this huge controversial figure.’
“He said he wanted me to dig up some gold plates which revealed that Native Americans are of Hebrew origin, and that they contained the fullness of the everlasting gospel, all except for the priesthood and the saving ordinances;
“Also, that there were some spectacles that God prepared to help translate the book and which would identify me as a seer, but which I wouldn’t actually end up using, neither would I need the breastplate, compass, or the rusted bronze ornamental sword of Laban, though it was somehow important that these things be included.
“He then told me that if I showed them to anyone I should be destroyed, for behold, if anyone had actually been allowed to see the plates then God’s work would have been ruined forever, for behold, physical evidence doth turn people into murdering rapists that like to chop babies into tiny pieces and eat them, whereas blind faith causes people to always make right decisions. Oh, and at that moment I spontaneously knew exactly where the plates were hidden.
“So then he disappeared, and then he reappeared again and said ‘wait, one more thing.’
“He then repeated everything he already said like a broken record and then informed me that everyone in the world was going to get eaten by piranas, just so I know, and then he disappeared again.
“By this time I was wide awake, and began to wonder what a pirana was and what it must like to be eaten by one, for behold I knew nothing about the indigenous species of the Americas. But what was my surprise when again he appeared unto me and repeated it all yet again, which caused me to be very suspicious that he was a pre-recorded message and not an actual live ghost. He then told me that if I even think about using the plates to start a church that would allow me to profit on the extortion of large amounts of money and property from my followers, he would send a mob to murder my ass.
“So once he disappeared again, the cock crowed, and my brother Hyrum arose and said ‘did you hear something?’
“So I got up and went out to cut grain with my brothers so we could pay the money we owed on the farm, for we had a new land agent who wasn’t going to let us freeload any more. And my father, who wasn’t actually there with me, saw that there was something wrong with me, and sent me back to my house. On my way I decided to take a nap by the fence.
“But alas, as I lay there, the angel appeared to me again, and I said ‘what are you doing? Somebody’s going to see you!’ And he said ‘maybe if you would tell your father about me already, he wouldn’t have to!’
“So when my brother Alvin found me, I immediately told him to go to the house and fetch my father, for that’s where my father actually was. And my father said the spirit was of God and fitted me out with a black cloak, a handkerchief, and a horse with a switch-tail, for thus had the spirit commanded me. And I went to the place where the plates were hid.
“Convenient to the Village of Manchester, New York, lies a hill carved out by glaciers from the last ice age. Pretty close to the top, in plain sight where nobody would ever be able to find it again, lay the plates, deposited in a rather conspicuous stone box.
“Having removed the earth from the sides, I obtained a lever, for I wasn’t strong enough to move any portion of the stone box from its original location, and pried off the top, and indeed I saw all those useless objects.
“I made an attempt to take them out, but was forbidden by a frog, which transformed into an angel and beat me three times across the head, which hurt considerably, but not as badly as the names he called me while doing it. He then told me to come back in one year and bring my brother Alvin.
“But two months later Alvin died. So when I went back alone the following year the spirit was angry and beat me again, calling me names, and told me to find the right person. So the following year after that I brought my neighbor Samuel Lawrence and showed him where the plates were buried, but he wasn’t playing along, so later I told him that I had actually taken him to the wrong spot just to throw him off the trail. Shortly after that I met Emma, though, who gave me the best barn sex I’d ever had in my life, so I knew at once she was the right person.
“After we eloped and I promised her father I wouldn’t dig for treasure any more, I took Emma aside and admitted that I’d made everything up, but then people started spreading rumors that I had found the plates, so I had to reverse engineer a story that Emma and I had gotten them and hid them in a birch log. That was probably a bad idea, though, because then they started saying things like ‘well go get them then!’ So I went to the woods, not knowing beforehand what I should do, and after having looked around me and finding myself alone, I knelt down, took off my frock, and began to fill it with white sand. When I got home I told my family the plates were in the frock, but they weren’t allowed to see them lest they be destroyed, and once I arrived in my room I did do a fist pump.
“I soon found out why the spirit had told me not to let anyone take a look, for behold all kinds of people started asking to see the plates. Well, okay, I did promise a few people they’d get a look and then reneged, but David and Oliver will vouch for me. I mean seriously, you would not believe how many people want evidence before making up their mind about something. I had to dodge them left and right. I mean, if the spirit had actually let me show them the plates, they probably wouldn’t have ransacked my house trying to get a look, and might have cooperated with me in bringing them to light, and that just would not have gone over well. Some of them even thought that, since they had dug for my fake treasures over the years, they were entitled to a share in the profits or something. What losers. So I translated the Book of Mormon by divine revelation using my old seer stone while the plates lay in the forest, and when the time came the angel took the plates back and he has them to this day.”
For a more complete account, talk to your nearest 18-year-old missionary, or visit our website at www.justthemilk.com
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
11) And now, my son, I have somewhat more to say unto thee than what I said unto thy brother; for behold, hasn’t thou seen how much better he is than thee? Why art thou so worthless?
22) For thou didst return home early from thy mission, boasting that thou didst have PTSD, which entitled thee to be honorably discharged, when in fact thou knew thou wast lazy and did not preach the gospel to other shoppers in the supermarket when thou didst have the chance. I would have rather thou hast returned home in a pine box than under such circumstances!
33) And this is not all, my son. Thou didst do that which pained me to the very core, for thou didst leave thy district boundaries to watch that soccer game on thy preparation day and didst not ask permission from thy district leader, who was younger than thee.
44) And thou didst even do that which was most abominable over all things, for thou didst attend the soccer game with the 19-year-old Isabel. Yeah, and she was wearing a tank top, but this was no excuse for thee, my son. Thou shouldst have been trying to convert people in thy entrusted proselyting area.
55) Know ye not, my son, that normal sexual relations are more abominable in the sight of the Lord than torture, drug trafficking, and domestic violence?
66) I don’t care what thou claimest thou did or did not do! Behold, touching a young woman’s vagina is right up there next to murder! Of course it’s not like thou didst become an atheist, for that would have been a sin which is unpardonable, and thank God thou aren’t guilty of that crime, for thou wouldst have been struck down and sent to outer darkness! But thy worth as a human being is still lost forever, for thou hast become like a chewed up piece of gum, or a licked cupcake – worth for naught save to be cast into the trash.
77) Now don’t interrupt me, my son. I would to God thou hadn’t licked her clitoris, for this is verily designated by God’s prophets as an unholy and impure practice. Yea, and I know thou didst begin this cycle of sin by masturbating. For verily, I wouldn’t be making thee confess to all of this in great detail if it were not for thine own good.
88) Behold, thou cannot hide these crimes against humanity from God, and as thy priesthood leader, I have been given the gift of discernment and even though it has failed me in the past in that I did not see that thou hadst sin in thy heart when thou departed on thy mission, it always works, so don’t try to deny it any longer.
99) Thou must repent of this thing, and until thou doest, I shall keep thy temple recommend in my top drawer and inform thy neighbors in the ward that thou hast been disfellowshipped for sexual offense and art not worthy to be extended a calling of leadership. An thou shalt have to abide the shame of thy neighbors' judgment.
110) Talk to thy brothers, for they’ve never even masturbated. I know because they told me so. And my power of discernment never fails me.
111) Don’t watch movies that feature girls without sleeves, for in the moment thou seest a bare shoulder the devil will have hold over thee and will cause thee to rape the next available girl thou seest like a cat in heat. Behold, O my son, how great iniquity ye brought upon thine investigators, for when they saw thee watching the PG-13 movie they would no longer believe thy words.
112) And now, the Spirit of the Lord doth say unto me that thou art commanded to stop taking illicit drugs. I do not know why the spirit saith this unto me, but take it as thou wilt.
113) Turn to the Lord. Desist from wickedness. Tie thy hand to the bed post at night if thou needest, and never cease singing hymns, for behold nobody could possibly be thinking of sex while singing “Come, Come ye Saints!” Seriously, no one. Where most women say they have a headache when they don’t want to have sex, thy mother simply sings “Come, Come Ye Saints” and the desire goes out of me. And the irony of the title of that hymn is lost on her in that situation.
114) Seek not after a career, for thou art clearly never going to have a family to take care of once all the girls in the stake figure out that thou art a filthy sinner. They have all been brought up to seek out worthy faithful RM, not a weak, deviant piece of slime like thee.
115) And now, my son, I would say something about Christ. It’s a secret, so don’t tell anybody. Now listen up. He’s going to be the one to come and die on the cross. Pretty cool, huh?
116) And now, as thou art clearly not going back out on thy mission, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to send thee on splits with the local elders until thou hast made up the time thou wouldst have spent out there. Behold, at eight hours a week this shouldn’t take more than three or four years.
117) And now I will ease thy mind somewhat on this subject, for thou dost appear distressed, and I love thee very much. But yea, I would rather that thou wert dead than that thou hadst lost thine virtue.
118) Nevertheless, behold, once thou hast made up all the hours I shall purchase for thee a new car, and then thou wilt be able to drive anywhere thou pleasest, so long as it is to BYU. Is it not necessary that thou shouldst have some incentive?
119) And it came to pass that Corianton did hearken unto the words of Alma, his father, and did work in Alma’s car dealership where he did earn commissions for lying about how well the cars drove. For some reason, saddling people who couldn’t afford the payments with a lemon that would run for 34 days before blowing up, was acceptable in the site of God, but touching his pee pee was not. And it came to pass that after four years had ended Alma did give unto him one of his used cars, and Corianton did flee to BYU where he did get married in the new temple one month later. And behold, after eight months Alma did receive his first grandchild with great joy and did call his son blessed.
Monday, March 31, 2014
From the Other Words of Moroni (Guest Contributor 2) Ether Chapter 2
1 And it came to pass that Jared and his brother (whose name is actually Mahonri Moriancumer, but whose name must be avoided for no discernable reason and whom I shall call the bitch of Jared since he basically did all the work but Jared did remain his ruler), and their families, and also the friends of Jared and the Bitch of Jared and their families, went down into the valley which was northward, (and the name of the valley was Nimrod - well, not really –the valley was called Hill Valley, but that name sounded boring so I stole this much funnier sounding name out of the Bible) with their flocks which they had gathered together, male and female, of every kind.
2 And they did also lay snares and catch fowls of the air, for birds would certainly have no problem being confined in a snare within an enclosed vessel for many months and yea; and they did also prepare a vessel, in which they did carry with them the fish of the waters. And they did make this vessel for the fish enclosed so that the fish would not spill out when the boat flipped over, because fish don't really need light or air or anything like that when Jesus (for thus would his name be called) is keeping them alive. And they did go to all this trouble because while traveling on the sea because, verily, they were not sure that they would find a large enough body of water into which they could cast a net.
3 And they did also carry with them deseret, which, by interpretation, is a honey bee – even though there is precious little room on these plates, I Moroni could not have just said “and they brought bees along too” I had to use a bizarre word that doesn’t match any known native American language and then translate it, taking up twice the space otherwise needed and pointlessly distracting from the narrative. And thus they did carry with them swarms of bees and many of their company who transported the bees were stung repeatedly and died. Yea especially the small children and those with allergies were smitten with a lethal curse of stings that could have been avoided if they had but opted to not eat sweets until they got to the Promised Land, where they could have found sugar cane or used the Melipona beecheii, which was actually native to the Americas. And now I, Moroni, wonder why I felt that writing about bees was relevant when they brought so many things with them that could actually matter…
4 And it came to pass that when they had come down into the valley of Nimrod the Lord came down and talked with the bitch of Jared; and he was in a magical cloud, and the bitch of Jared saw him not. And verily it almost as though God was playing hide and seek in the fog, but wouldn’t let the bitch of Jared win.
5 And it came to pass that the Lord commanded them that they should go forth into the wilderness, yea, into that quarter where there never had man been. And the Lord did go with them as he stood in a cloud and gave directions which way they should go for verily, the Lord doth not always chill with His sons and daughters, but when He does, He prefers to hang out in a cloud.
6 And it came to pass that it was expedient that I, Moroni, should clarify (again, despite these cursedly small plates that leave no room for useful details like what happened to the horses in the Americas, but have endless room for repetitious emphasis and clarifications) that they did travel in the wilderness, and did build barges in which they did cross the many waters, being directed by the hand of the Lord.
7 And the Lord would not suffer that they should stop beyond the sea in the wilderness, but he would that they should come forth even unto the land of promise, which the Lord God had preserved for a righteous people. And again, it behooveth me that I should make it known that nobody inhabited this land before Jared and his bitch and all those who would follow him. And verily this must be taught to all until the proof that it is not true becomes so readily available that the story must be changed to pretend that those inspired of God knew all along that the Jaredites weren’t the first to arrive.
8 And he had sworn in his wrath unto the bitch of Jared, that whoso should possess this land of promise, from that time henceforth and forever, should serve him, the true and only God, or they should be swept off when the fullness of his wrath should come upon them, for verily God is a very insecure and vindictive asshole.
9 And again, I say unto you that God is a huge dick and will FUCKING MURDER YOUR ASS if you do not obey his commandments, for thou canst mock him with thine iniquities if thou pleasest, but he shall wipe thee out with a "natural" disaster, you insubordinate piece of shit. [And yea, the satirist did wonder how he did write so much mockery of God and his “gospel” without being wiped out by a plague. Yeah, the worst that has afflicted him was a recent bout of particularly squirty diarrhea. But this doth confuse the satirist who verily believes with all his heart that God is the same today, yesterday, and forever, and is waiting to be struck dumb and trodden down under carriages or turned into a pillar of salt. For if this happens not, God will not have continued to be the same today as yesterday.]
10 And yet again, I say unto you again, that you will serve God or he will cause your babies to die of cancer, for killing people is how he teaches people to obey him, especially babies because even though God declares them as innocents and pure, he doesn’t have any qualms about using them as pawns in his quest to punish those who mock him. [And the satirist would like to further note that his children are well and since he liveth in the Promised Land, the curse should still apply.]
11 And verily, verily, I say unto ye again that God will be utterly pissed if you do not obey him, and he will bless you with a slow and painful death, that ye might learn to obey him, for who wouldn't want to obey a man that will kill you if you don't? For verily, God is a jealous god and his ways are not your ways. Unless, you are an insecure, petty, jealous, baby murderer, in which case you and God have quite a bit in common.
12 But yea, if God is having one of those days where he doesn't feel like killing people, he might ony make you a permanent slave to a hostile people if you don't eat a piece of bread and drink a small cup of water once a week, and pay large sums of money to him which he greatly needs to accomplish his purposes. Also, don't masturbate or God will strike you blind while you are enslaved.
13 And verily, God’s love for you is so incredibly shallow that He only extends it to you insomuch as you love Him and obey His every whim. For if you step out of line even so slightly as trying to help another person not drop a sacred artifact or sparing the lives of innocents whose death God commanded, God hates you and will kill despite your good intentions. And behold, it came to pass that Jared and his brethren arrived at the seashore and popped a tent (giggle); and they dwelt in tents for the space of four years. And in case it wasn't clear, they dwelt in tents. On the seashore. For four years. And they called the place Moriancumer. Why I can reveal that, but not reveal that Moriancumer is the bitch of Jared’s name is very enigmatic. Some might even claim that it’s anachronistically illogical.
14 And it came to pass that the Lord chastened the bitch of Jared for not calling upon him, saying: What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? I was totally chilling out in a cloud with you guys during all your travels and you couldn’t even remember to call upon me often enough after I abandoned you for four years on the sea shore? It’s always the same thing, isn’t it? I call a prophet and he doesn’t call on me. Or he doesn’t want to preach to the people of Ninevah and I have to have a fish eat him. Or he starts up a Ponzi scheme, calls it a bank, and claims that I told him it would be enormously successful and then when that falls through, he tells everyone that I told him to sleep with their wives and 14 year old daughters and calls it spiritual wivery. Fuck. I really do a shitty job of choosing prophets. Maybe you guys shouldn’t listen to me.
15 And the bitch of Jared pleaded with God to not kill him and all his people for his selfish stupidity, saying that if a person can blame a Ponzi scheme on the Lord and not even be reprimanded, then he should be granted mercy. And God did remind the bitch of Jared that he is first God's bitch, and secondarily Jared's, and also did remind him that he would cut him off forever if he kept being so selfish.
16 And the Lord said: Get off your lazy asses and build yourselves some barges, after the manner of barges which ye have hitherto built. And it came to pass that the bitch of Jared did go to work, and also his brethren, and built barges after the manner which they had built, according to the instructions of the Lord, who was still angry that they didn't pay more attention to him, so he decided to play a joke on them and force them to make the worst designed boats in the history of the world. And they were small, and they were light upon the water, for verily if you were going on a really long journey across the ocean, you would probably want a small ship that is really light.
17 And they were built after a manner that they were exceedingly tight, even that they would hold water like unto a dish; and the bottom thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the sides thereof were tight like unto a dish; and the ends thereof were peaked, and they were also tight like unto - you'll never guess - a dish (stupid); and the top thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the insides were tight like unto a dish; and the entrance was tight like unto a dish; and their dishes were tight like unto a dish; and a dish was the tightest thing I could possibly think of; and I want to emphasize that the whole motherfucker was tight like unto a dish. And yea, verily, they gave praise unto God for in teaching them to make ships tight like unto a dish, He had given them technology that didn’t exist yet. Prime directive be damned.
18 And it came to pass that the bitch of Jared cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, please do not kill me and my family, for I have done everything thou hast commanded. And again I plead with you not to murder all of us.
19 And behold, O Lord, please do not strike me down for inquiring, but how in the fuck are we supposed to see in these death traps? And what about air?
20 And the Lord said unto the bitch of Jared: Why in the hell did you not think of that? Do I have to tell you everthing? Cut a fucking hole in the top and bottom. And the Lord went back to killing impoverished humble people in the poorer parts of the world for they had been neglected while the Lord spent years playing hide and seek in his cloud with the bitch of Jared.
21 And it came to pass that the bitch of Jared did so, realizing his design was incredibly idiotic and would ensure certain death, even though it was what the Lord had told him to do.
22 And he cried again unto the Lord saying: O Lord, behold I have done even as thou hast commanded me; but it's still pitch fucking black inside. And it already smells like ass, and we haven't even gone anywhere yet. Behold, O Lord, when we try to air the barge out by opening only the top hole, behold, the stink doth not escape, for there are always two holes required for proper ventillation, and I fear after many days it will become difficult for us to breathe.
23 And the Lord said unto the bitch of Jared: Dude, quit bothering me with your petty little complaints. Windows haven't even fucking been invented yet, but I’ll pretend that they’re an option as though you would know what they are… But what the hell do you expect ME to do? And you can't use fire, because you can't use fire. I may be omnipotent to the point where I can make a bush burn without being consumed, but I can’t make a fire that doesn’t go out and doesn’t burn the wood that the boat is made of. That is beyond my God powers.
24 For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; except you shall travel much, much slower than that, because I do not like any of you. Yea, if you were to toss a bottle into the ocean, it would arrive in the promised land a year and a half before you, but without my help. But you better remember to bow down to me like all the time or I will drown your asses, for it is I that shall bring you out of the depths of the sea, not the laws of physics, tides, or winds – even though those things would move you way faster.
25 And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come, for I fully plan on using them to annihilate you all at once if you don't do everything I say exactly how and when I say it. And since you seem to need my help with basically everything, and are too lazy to figure out how to fix this problem yourself because it's such a terribly shitty design, what magical instrument will you have me prepare for you to solve all your fucking problems?
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
1. Now it came to pass that after Alma had been taunted to tears by Richard Dawkins, he did receive word that the Zoramites were perverting the ways of the Lord and Zoram, who was their leader, was leading the hearts of the people to bow down to green papers with presidents printed on them, and his heart began to sicken because of the iniquity of the people.
2. And I, Mormon, have precious little room on these plates. Therefore, I will repeat exactly what I just said, using more words, but offering no useful additional detail. And yea, Alma’s heart began to sicken because of the iniquity of the people.
3. Now the Zoramites had gathered themselves together in a land which they called Antionum which was East of the land of Zarahemla which – oh hell, no one is ever going to find any evidence that these places existed and it isn't relevant to the rest of the story, so there really is no point in trying to lay out the geography.
4. Now the Nephites feared that the Zoramites would enter into a correspondence with the Lamanites and that would be a great loss to the Nephites, so Alma’s presence in Antionum was really political as much as it was spiritual, but we'll pretend it was all about saving souls.
5. Now as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead people to do that which the religious leaders tell them to do, yea, it had a greater effect on getting minds to reject facts in favor of fairytales than swords, therefore, Alma thought that he would try the virtue of religious indoctrination.
6. Therefore Alma did get himself a small posse of missionaries and went forth with them.
7. Now the eldest of his sons, Hetheman, did not come with him. Why that is relevant, I know not.
8. Now the Zoramites had broken away from mainstream Nephitism, therefor they had had the word preached unto them before.
9. But they had fallen into great errors for they would not observe to keep the commandments of God, and his statutes, according to the law of Moses.
10. For the law of Moses commanded sacrifices of animals with cloven hooves and none in the promised land had domesticated animals with cloven hooves.
11. Yea, they did pervert the ways of the Lord in very many instances for they did commit abominations in eating oysters and they did not force women who had issues of blood to be deemed unclean for doing so did force the Zoramites to discuss menstruation and behold, it must never be mentioned ever. For mentioning it would actually help people understand that it is normal. [Although to be fair, I Mormon, doubt that telling women they were unclean really helped their self-esteem.]
12. Now when they had come into the land, behold to their astonishment, they found that the Zoramites had built churches, and they did gather themselves together on one day of the week, which day they did call the Sabbath, and they did worship in a way which Alma and his brethren had never beheld;
13. For they had a place built up in the center-front of their church, a place for standing which was higher than a person’s head.
14. And on the first Sabbath of every month, they did go up onto the place one by one, place their hands on the sides of the wood at the top of the place, and announce to the multitude with a tearful voice, saying:
15. I’d like to bear my testimony that I know this church is true. I love our Heavenly Father.
16. And I know that He loves us. I know that Joseph Smith restored the true gospel to this Earth, that had been lost after the apostles were killed. I’m so grateful to be a member of this church because when I see those who don’t have the gospel, I see that their lives really are missing something important and they’ll never have it until they reject the errors of their fathers, open their hearts, and accept the gospel.
17. Brothers and sisters, we truly are the elect of God and I know that he saved us all for these latter days because every one of you here is a wonderful, spirit. I feel so sad for those who have rejected the gospel for they will never know true happiness in this life or the next so long as they reject it.
18. I know that this is the only true church and that we are so blessed to be members in it. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
19. And when it came to pass that when Alma and his brethren heard these testimonies, they were astonished by the arrogance of it. For behold, Alma himself did teach unto the people that faith is not to have a sure knowledge of things and yet the Zoramites with their stiff neckedness did claim to have sure knowledge.
20. And behold every man did go up and offer up the same testimony. And yea, even the little children who had knew not what they said, but wanted attention did go up and “bury” their testimonies as told to by their parents.
21. Now this place was called by them Rameumpton, meaning pulpit with a microphone.
22. Now from this stand, they did offer up, every man, woman, and child, the selfsame testimony unto the congregation, thanking their God that they were chosen of him, and that he did not lead them away after the tradition of their brethren (typically Evangelicals, but often Catholics as well, although rarely were the traditions of their brethren named), that their hearts were not stolen away to believe in being saved by grace alone or praying to saints.
23. Now after had all offered up thanks in this manner, they returned to their homes and ate green Jello in abundance to break their fasts.
24. Now when Alma saw this, his heart was grieved; for he saw that they were a wicked and perverse people; yea what kind of people can hunger with such a lust for green Jello?
25. Yea, he saw also that believing that they were chosen of God and the only church with all truth, and believing that they knew things based only on easily misinterpreted feelings, had made them lift up their hearts with great boasting in their pride.
26. And he lifted his voice up to heaven and cried saying: O how long, o Lord, wilt thou suffer that thy servants shall below in the flesh to behold such gross wickedness among the children of men.
26.5 And Alma realized not that he had just done as the Zoramites by implicitly placing his righteousness above that of the others.
27. And Alma continued: Behold o Lord they cry unto thee and yet their hearts are swallowed up in their pride. Behold o Lord they cry unto thee with their mouths while they are puffed up even unto greatness with the vain things of the world.
27.5 And the Zoramites did look upon Alma with wonder that he could be so rude as to enter their place of worship and loudly condemn them.
28. And Alma continued: Behold o God, their costly apparel, and their suits, and their silk dresses, and their Winnie the Pooh ties. Behold their hearts are set upon them, and they cry unto thee and say -- We thank thee o God that we have a shopping mall that cost more than all that has been spent on humanitarian aid during our lifetimes yea that we may have a place to visit Dillards in downtown SLC while others in third world countries perish.
29. Yea and they say thou hast made it known unto them that Christ will return this generation and they say that thou hast been saying that for eight generations and they don’t see the logical flaws in that.
30. O Lord God, how long wilt thou suffer that such snobbery should be among this people? For I have a headache from rolling my eyes so much from hearing about how they found their missing glasses just in time to not be late for an important job interview when the glasses were upon their heads. O Lord God, thou knowest that such is not a miracle. Why didst thou make them so fucking stupid?
31. And yea, the others talk about their vacations as though they intend to bolster the faith of their brethren by bragging about how their children got to see Mickey Mouse when they had looked for him all day long and thought that they would have to return home with sad children who had not seen Mickey, but at the last moment, Mickey did appear. For yea, Mickey is everywhere in Disneyland and, if anything, not being able to find him was the miracle.
32. And verily, O Lord, others do discuss conspiracy theories while more do tell stories that appear to have no spiritual context. Others do proclaim that thou hast spoken to them in ways that make them appear to have schizophrenia. And yet more do announce that they know that their deceased loved ones are watching over them at all times as though that is not seriously creepy.
33. And that last man did brag about how wonderful he was for offering a ride to a stranger when he was actually caught by members of the ward driving around with another man’s wife and hopes that announcing that he gave a stranger a ride, he will trick the congregation into believing that no affair was taking place.
34. And yea verily, that teenager did accidentally slip and announce that she’s had to talk to the bishop about her sins, making all wonder what she and her boyfriend have been up to.
35. And Lord, their souls are precious, but not so precious that I wouldst consider not praying about them in an incredibly condescending manner while they stand around me.
36. And it came to pass that when Alma had said these words, that he clapped his hands upon all them who were with him and they were filled with the spirit. And he clapped his hands again and the spirit left them. And he clapped his hands once more and the spirit was upon them. And Alma marveled at how the spirit worked like a gimmicky light switch from the 1990s.
37. And they did say until Alma with one voice: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? And none of them were moved by his hypocritical prayer.
38. And it came to pass that they did all return home and eat their green Jello, and pig out on steaks even though the Zoramite law of health forbade meat except in time of winter or famine and it was a pleasant summer day in the middle of a three year stretch of bountiful harvests. But verily, they did not eat potatoes for potatoes, being native to the Promised Land, must never be mentioned in this book. Same with maize. And Quinoa. And llamas. And tomatoes and tapirs and gila monsters.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
1) And it came to pass, that it came to pass that Alma and Amulek did barge into people's houses and church services, preaching to them and condemning them for their way of life.
2) And it came to pass, that it came to pass, that it had come to pass that after much labor among them, they began to have success among the poor class of people; for behold, the poor are statistically uneducated and the uneducated are fodder for religious deception.
3) For behold, they were not permitted to enter into the synagogues to worship God, being esteemed as filthiness because their poor manner of dress was not appropriate, and yea, they were so poor that they did wear blue jeans to church and others did look down upon them, esteeming them as dross – a curiosity for a people that lacked advanced metalworking. And more distressing to them was that they were so poor that they could not pay their tithing and they were cast out of the temples and not permitted even to attend their children’s weddings or learn masonic handshakes.
4) Now, as
Alma was criticizing the people in the town of Oneida Castle, NY, there
came unto him a great multitude of poor people.
And I beseech ye that ye forget not that they were poor. And they were poor (did I mention their
poverty yet?) because they couldn't get into church because they had not money,
but I won't go into too much detail because there's really not enough room on
these plates and it takes a god-awful long amount of time to inscribe anything
let alone repeat things like “they were poor.”
Just remember that they were, like, really really poor.
5) And these poor people came unto
Alma, like all at once and the one who
was foremost among them (for they had taken time to vote a leader amongst them
as they spontaneously gathered) said unto Alma:
Dude, my friends here are, like, really really poor. And the priests made us pay to build all
these temples, which made us poor, and then threw us out, and we cannot have
oil rubbed onto our naked bodies, or learn to say ‘Oh God, hear the words of my
mouth,’ in the Adamic Language, so we're totally screwed forever,
right?" And many more things did
this person say which I cannot write, for I'm really running out of room on
these plates. Did I mention these people were poor?
6) And when
Alma heard this he turned
around immediately, for he wasn't aware that a multitude had been approaching
him from behind on account of their being so sneaky. And he beheld their
poverty and sufferings with great joy.
Alma saw that he did have a multitude of
suckers who were going to believe anything he told them. So he said "fuck off" to the
intellectuals who were able to point out the logical errors in his doctrines,
and began teaching unto the poor people who were exceedingly gullible in their
8) And it came to pass that he did say unto them: It a good thing that you're destitute. I know your children are starving and you're probably lost loved ones to disease and exposure, but man this is just what God wanted.
9) This guy you elected told me that you're, like, really really poor. For behold, he said unto me, “hey
my friends here are, like, really really poor. And it’s because we can’t go
into the temples.”
10) Really? Are you dumb enough to think that you can only do masonic handshakes in the temples?
11) And Alma did show unto them the NewNameNoah videos on Youtube (come on, they have dross, why not Youtube?) and he did show unto them the five points of fellowship and they were verily amazed for those had been excised from the holy ritual which was necessary for salvation. And he did show unto them the Temple Name Oracle and did give unto each of them a new name. And behold, each of the names was the same.
Alma said unto them: Verily, verily, I tell
you again. It's very good that you're
destitute and suffering, because now you're ready to be kicked around, and you
won't even raise your hands when I ask for those opposed. You'd totally give me all your money if I
13) Sometimes people need to be kicked in the balls really really hard to get them to learn to listen to their authorities, and this is perfect! The priests have already kicked you in the balls, and now I can become the authority. If you do everything I say from here on out, I promise God won't kick you in the balls.
14) Now I know a lot of you are going to do exactly as I tell you because you don't want God to kick you in the balls. I get that, and that's okay. But think of it this way, you'd be such a better person if you did exactly as I say without being threatened with a good ball-kicking.
15) In fact, I encourage you, if you screw up, to kick your own balls. Jump onto a balance beam or something. That way I'll see that you have truly repented and God won't have to do anything.
16) But of course, the best thing you could do is just go back in time and obey me from the very beginning. Then nobody would have ever had to kick your balls, ever, fucking morons.
17) Now I know there are insolent bastards among you that ask, 'how do we know God is going to kick our balls if we screw up? Why doesn't God come tell us himself?'
18) I ask you, is that what an obedient little person would do? Ask for evidence? What kind of self-centered godless prick are you? Why can't you just have faith?
19) If God came down and you had one little fucking hair out of place, he'd rip your balls off with his bare hands.
20) And it would totally be nobody's fault but your own.
21) Now, as I was saying about faith, it's totally against the definition of faith if you know something. God doesn't want us to know anything. He wants us to have faith in it, which means we have to not really know it. Just make sure that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what you have faith in is true, unless you want to sing soprano. Nonetheless, even if God doth not want that ye should know things, ye must always bear testimony saying ye know. Verily, this I know to be true.
22) And yea, I behold that ye are confused, but let me explain it to you in terms that even your pathetic minds can understand. The first thing you must do is believe everything I tell you.
23) Seriously, God talks to me all the time. I know what I'm talking about. He talks to you too but you're too stupid to realize it.
24) What? That offends you? Come on, you came to me. Those bastards in the temples wouldn't even let you in because you didn’t have a little slip of paper to get in. From where I'm standing, I'm your only option. I may be calling you stupid, but that’s only because it's true.
25) I know there are those among you that would have been smart enough to obey me whether or not you had been kicked in the balls, but the rest of you are just plain stupid, and that's a fact.
26) Now, where was I? Oh yes, faith. You can't know whether or not I'm a liar and con-man who just wants to take all your money. There's no way anybody could possibly know that. That would totally defeat the purpose. I might rape your daughters and spend all your money on lawyers to cover my ass. You have no idea.
27) But if you will just do everything I tell you... in fact, scratch that, if you will just WANT to do everything I tell you, that's a really good place to start.
28) Now we will compare my word to a seed. The first thing you must do is make the assumption that the seed will grow. If it doesn't grow, then it's your own goddamned fault and you have to try again, you worthless, faithless asshole. Once your seed grows, then you can tell yourself “hey, I'm not that bad of a person after all. Look, my seed grew just like the guy told me it would. Maybe this guy was right after all!” And even though many of ye will not receive an answer to your prayers, ye will pretend to have received one, just to avoid being perceived as wicked, and this because of your stupidity.
29) Again, if the seed doesn't grow then that means ye must try again because ye are mentally and spiritually deficient. If it does grow then there's your evidence right there. And the answer will always be yes, for the answer is already decided before the experiment. Ignore the fact that that approach violates every aspect of the scientific process.
30) And as the plant swelleth and sprouteth and beginneth to grow, ye can say “hey, this means plants must always grow from seeds. I don't know it for certain, but I can totally have faith in it now."
31) For behold, I say unto ye, I know for certain that every last seed of mine grows into a plant, and if it doesn't then it's your own goddamned fault.
32) So just throw away all those seeds when they don't grow. Don't tell anyone. Just forget they ever existed. When seeds fail in other churches that means their church is wrong. When my seeds fail, it means that YOU are wrong. But if seeds grow in other churches, it’s because they have little iotas of truth, and not because their ground isn’t barren.
33) This is the true way to perform an experiment upon the word. Just keep trying and trying until you get the results I told you that ye would get – and know that if you don’t get those results, those who believe will condemn you for your unrighteousness, thereby forcing you to pretend to have received word from God or remain under condemnation.
34) And now behold, this is how you gain a perfect knowledge. I know I told you that you can't know anything for certain, but when it comes to my religion that rule no longer applies.
35) This is how you can know for sure that the thing you have faith in also happens to be true.
36) And now behold, does this mean you can give up convincing yourself that I am right? No way! Keep looking for evidence and arguments that support my words!"
37) Your little tree of faith might wither someday, which might cause you to not know for certain anymore that what you have faith in also happens to be certainly true. You must be obedient until the day you die if you want to keep knowing it.
38) For behold, if you don't keep up the programming, your rational side might emerge. You might find yourself starting to wonder things like 'hey, maybe this seed didn't grow because sometimes they just don't.
39) If it doesn't grow it's your own goddamned fault. Haven't you been listening?
40) If you try to pull any of that logic, God will kick your balls so hard you'll turn into a girl.
41) This is the true order of things. Pray about my words, and if you don't get an answer then just keep praying about them for the rest of your life until you do. Meanwhile, give me all your money. Someday you may get a good feeling after your prayer, and that’s all the certainty you’ll ever need.
42) So, in summary, do everything I tell you and your wildest dreams will come true.
43) Now, give me all your money.
44) And it came to pass that the men in the multitude did listen to what Alma said with hearts open and legs crossed. And they were all so astonished by his vulgarity and his profanity that they did believe unto his words.
Monday, March 10, 2014
6. And it came to pass that I, Nephi, crept into the city like a creeper and went forth toward the house of Laban. And I was led forth by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Even though I had already been to his house, verily I needed the Spirit to lead me there because notwithstanding this was my hometown, I was not familiar with it.
7. Nevertheless I went forth, and as I came near unto the house of Laban, I beheld a man, and he had fallen to the earth before me, for he was drunken with wine. So am I right now, as, I write: this – if ye, cannot, tell, by, my – complete lack, of understanding, of, how, to, use, punctuation.
8. And when I came to him, I found that it was Laban.
9. And behold, I drew his sword, and I drew it forth from the sheath thereof and then I drew it on a piece of paper because I had not yet drawn it enough; and the hilt thereof was of pure gold and I determined that it must be an ornamental sword only for verily, the pure gold was far too soft to hold the blade straight even when it was yet only being held. And yea, it came to pass that, after just a moment of holding it and admiring the craftsmanship with which it was made, it had drooped so much that it looked like it needed some Viagra. And the blade thereof was made of most precious steel. Verily, so precious was this steel that appeared unto me that it had not yet been invented.
10. And it came to pass that the Spirit of the Lord said unto me: Murder that fucker. But I said in my heart, Never at any time have I shed the blood of man. And I shrunk that I might not slay him.
11. And the Spirit said unto me again: Behold, the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands. Murder that fucker. And I was sore afraid that I was not hearing the Spirit of the lord, but a Devil of Satan for there was no need to murder a man harmlessly passed out in the street.
12. And I said unto the Spirit, yea, all of Laban’s house did see that we tried to purchase the brass plates of him and if they did find his body murdered the next morn and the plates missing, they would surely seek us more fervently for the murder as well as the theft.
13. And it came to pass that I said: Let me not murder him that I may instead, instead, take his clothes and adorn my body with them, and then draw a dick on his face while he remains passed out from drink. Then I may enter his house and the Lord may disguise me that I may appear as Laban and break the eighth commandment in the name of the Lord who commanded against it.
14. And it came to pass that it did come to pass that it had come to pass. Verily.
15. And the Spirit of the Lord said: Art thou hard of hearing? Murder that fucker. It is better that one shall perish than that an entire nation should dwindle in unbelief.
16. And I attempted to persuade Him again that I might not kill Laban, saying: But Spirit of the Lord, thou usest a logical fallacy. If God be powerful enough to cause a drunken sleep to come over Laben, surely he be powerful enough to keep him in that drunken stupor that I, a 15 year old boy may not be forced to commit a murder of a helpless man. For when I tell this story to all who hear, they shall condemn me. Yea, they shall accuse me of having schizophrenia and killing people because the voices in my head tell me to.
17. But the Spirit of the Lord said unto me: Kill that fucker, you argumentative little shit. I am so sick of this teenage attitude. You just think you know everything, don’t you?
18. Therefore, I did obey the voice of the “Spirit” and took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote his neck with the sword. But being an ornamental sword, it cut not through, yea it cut only to the spine of the neck. And I struck again, yet verily, I found that the spine of the neck is exceedingly difficult to sever with an ornamental sword. The blood of Laban did flow all over me until yea, I had much difficulty grasping the slippery hair of his head so great was the blood everywhere. And I struck Laban 7 more times, severing tendons that snapped like piano wires, cracking the bones, and chipping pieces of bone off. And it came to pass that I did finally break through the spine and I swung again, but found the skin on the far side of his neck difficult to cut through and did have to use the sword with sawing motions to cut through the skin.
19. And it came to pass that after I had smitten off the head of Laban, that Laban rose up on his hands and fell; and after that he struggled for breath, he died. And I did exclaim in exceedingly great surprise: HOLY FUCK! Yea, I hath never seen anything as weird as that shit.
20. And after Laban had finished gasping for air, I took the garments of Laban and put them on mine own body and looked at the blood that I had on mine hands and Laban’s clothes, soaked clear through that his armor was now turning brown as it dried and yea I felt compelled to say, “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.”21. And I did go get the plates and the Lord changed my appearance that none did see the blood on mine clothes or that mine face was not Laban’s or that mine voice was not Laban’s and as I was about to escape, they did capture me and remand me to the psycho ward where I had been a prisoner since setting a bear loose on children that called me a baldy back in the 1970’s. My shrink keeps trying to tell me that there is no spirit telling me to kill people and I simply look over to my left where the Spirit of the Lord is and He says, “The only ones who are fully rejected sayeth the Lord are those who denieth the Holy Spirit” and I try to strangle my shrink, but the guards tackle me and put me in a straightjacket. It’s nice here in the padded room with all the white pillowy wallpaper. My unicorn friends come to visit me and we eat tea and crumpets and float around the room because not even the guards can force me to obey the law of gravity.