Monday, March 31, 2014

From the Other Words of Moroni (Guest Contributor 2) Ether Chapter 2

From the Other Words of Moroni (Guest Contributor 2) Ether Chapter 2

1 And it came to pass that Jared and his brother (whose name is actually Mahonri Moriancumer, but whose name must be avoided for no discernable reason and whom I shall call the bitch of Jared since he basically did all the work but Jared did remain his ruler), and their families, and also the friends of Jared and the Bitch of Jared and their families, went down into the valley which was northward, (and the name of the valley was Nimrod - well, not really –the valley was called Hill Valley, but that name sounded boring so I stole this much funnier sounding name out of the Bible) with their flocks which they had gathered together, male and female, of every kind.

2 And they did also lay snares and catch fowls of the air, for birds would certainly have no problem being confined in a snare within an enclosed vessel for many months and yea; and they did also prepare a vessel, in which they did carry with them the fish of the waters. And they did make this vessel for the fish enclosed so that the fish would not spill out when the boat flipped over, because fish don't really need light or air or anything like that when Jesus (for thus would his name be called) is keeping them alive. And they did go to all this trouble because while traveling on the sea because, verily, they were not sure that they would find a large enough body of water into which they could cast a net.

3 And they did also carry with them deseret, which, by interpretation, is a honey bee – even though there is precious little room on these plates, I Moroni could not have just said “and they brought bees along too” I had to use a bizarre word that doesn’t match any known native American language and then translate it, taking up twice the space otherwise needed and pointlessly distracting from the narrative. And thus they did carry with them swarms of bees and many of their company who transported the bees were stung repeatedly and died. Yea especially the small children and those with allergies were smitten with a lethal curse of stings that could have been avoided if they had but opted to not eat sweets until they got to the Promised Land, where they could have found sugar cane or used the Melipona beecheii, which was actually native to the Americas. And now I, Moroni, wonder why I felt that writing about bees was relevant when they brought so many things with them that could actually matter…

4 And it came to pass that when they had come down into the valley of Nimrod the Lord came down and talked with the bitch of Jared; and he was in a magical cloud, and the bitch of Jared saw him not. And verily it almost as though God was playing hide and seek in the fog, but wouldn’t let the bitch of Jared win.

5 And it came to pass that the Lord commanded them that they should go forth into the wilderness, yea, into that quarter where there never had man been. And the Lord did go with them as he stood in a cloud and gave directions which way they should go for verily, the Lord doth not always chill with His sons and daughters, but when He does, He prefers to hang out in a cloud.

6 And it came to pass that it was expedient that I, Moroni, should clarify (again, despite these cursedly small plates that leave no room for useful details like what happened to the horses in the Americas, but have endless room for repetitious emphasis and clarifications) that they did travel in the wilderness, and did build barges in which they did cross the many waters, being directed by the hand of the Lord.

7 And the Lord would not suffer that they should stop beyond the sea in the wilderness, but he would that they should come forth even unto the land of promise, which the Lord God had preserved for a righteous people. And again, it behooveth me that I should make it known that nobody inhabited this land before Jared and his bitch and all those who would follow him. And verily this must be taught to all until the proof that it is not true becomes so readily available that the story must be changed to pretend that those inspired of God knew all along that the Jaredites weren’t the first to arrive.

8 And he had sworn in his wrath unto the bitch of Jared, that whoso should possess this land of promise, from that time henceforth and forever, should serve him, the true and only God, or they should be swept off when the fullness of his wrath should come upon them, for verily God is a very insecure and vindictive asshole.

9 And again, I say unto you that God is a huge dick and will FUCKING MURDER YOUR ASS if you do not obey his commandments, for thou canst mock him with thine iniquities if thou pleasest, but he shall wipe thee out with a "natural" disaster, you insubordinate piece of shit. [And yea, the satirist did wonder how he did write so much mockery of God and his “gospel” without being wiped out by a plague. Yeah, the worst that has afflicted him was a recent bout of particularly squirty diarrhea. But this doth confuse the satirist who verily believes with all his heart that God is the same today, yesterday, and forever, and is waiting to be struck dumb and trodden down under carriages or turned into a pillar of salt. For if this happens not, God will not have continued to be the same today as yesterday.]

10 And yet again, I say unto you again, that you will serve God or he will cause your babies to die of cancer, for killing people is how he teaches people to obey him, especially babies because even though God declares them as innocents and pure, he doesn’t have any qualms about using them as pawns in his quest to punish those who mock him. [And the satirist would like to further note that his children are well and since he liveth in the Promised Land, the curse should still apply.]

11 And verily, verily, I say unto ye again that God will be utterly pissed if you do not obey him, and he will bless you with a slow and painful death, that ye might learn to obey him, for who wouldn't want to obey a man that will kill you if you don't? For verily, God is a jealous god and his ways are not your ways. Unless, you are an insecure, petty, jealous, baby murderer, in which case you and God have quite a bit in common.

12 But yea, if God is having one of those days where he doesn't feel like killing people, he might ony make you a permanent slave to a hostile people if you don't eat a piece of bread and drink a small cup of water once a week, and pay large sums of money to him which he greatly needs to accomplish his purposes. Also, don't masturbate or God will strike you blind while you are enslaved.

13 And verily, God’s love for you is so incredibly shallow that He only extends it to you insomuch as you love Him and obey His every whim. For if you step out of line even so slightly as trying to help another person not drop a sacred artifact or sparing the lives of innocents whose death God commanded, God hates you and will kill despite your good intentions. And behold, it came to pass that Jared and his brethren arrived at the seashore and popped a tent (giggle); and they dwelt in tents for the space of four years. And in case it wasn't clear, they dwelt in tents. On the seashore. For four years. And they called the place Moriancumer. Why I can reveal that, but not reveal that Moriancumer is the bitch of Jared’s name is very enigmatic. Some might even claim that it’s anachronistically illogical.

14 And it came to pass that the Lord chastened the bitch of Jared for not calling upon him, saying: What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? I was totally chilling out in a cloud with you guys during all your travels and you couldn’t even remember to call upon me often enough after I abandoned you for four years on the sea shore? It’s always the same thing, isn’t it? I call a prophet and he doesn’t call on me. Or he doesn’t want to preach to the people of Ninevah and I have to have a fish eat him. Or he starts up a Ponzi scheme, calls it a bank, and claims that I told him it would be enormously successful and then when that falls through, he tells everyone that I told him to sleep with their wives and 14 year old daughters and calls it spiritual wivery. Fuck. I really do a shitty job of choosing prophets. Maybe you guys shouldn’t listen to me.

15 And the bitch of Jared pleaded with God to not kill him and all his people for his selfish stupidity, saying that if a person can blame a Ponzi scheme on the Lord and not even be reprimanded, then he should be granted mercy. And God did remind the bitch of Jared that he is first God's bitch, and secondarily Jared's, and also did remind him that he would cut him off forever if he kept being so selfish.

16 And the Lord said: Get off your lazy asses and build yourselves some barges, after the manner of barges which ye have hitherto built. And it came to pass that the bitch of Jared did go to work, and also his brethren, and built barges after the manner which they had built, according to the instructions of the Lord, who was still angry that they didn't pay more attention to him, so he decided to play a joke on them and force them to make the worst designed boats in the history of the world. And they were small, and they were light upon the water, for verily if you were going on a really long journey across the ocean, you would probably want a small ship that is really light.

17 And they were built after a manner that they were exceedingly tight, even that they would hold water like unto a dish; and the bottom thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the sides thereof were tight like unto a dish; and the ends thereof were peaked, and they were also tight like unto - you'll never guess - a dish (stupid); and the top thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the insides were tight like unto a dish; and the entrance was tight like unto a dish; and their dishes were tight like unto a dish; and a dish was the tightest thing I could possibly think of; and I want to emphasize that the whole motherfucker was tight like unto a dish. And yea, verily, they gave praise unto God for in teaching them to make ships tight like unto a dish, He had given them technology that didn’t exist yet. Prime directive be damned.

18 And it came to pass that the bitch of Jared cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, please do not kill me and my family, for I have done everything thou hast commanded. And again I plead with you not to murder all of us.

19 And behold, O Lord, please do not strike me down for inquiring, but how in the fuck are we supposed to see in these death traps? And what about air?

20 And the Lord said unto the bitch of Jared: Why in the hell did you not think of that? Do I have to tell you everthing? Cut a fucking hole in the top and bottom. And the Lord went back to killing impoverished humble people in the poorer parts of the world for they had been neglected while the Lord spent years playing hide and seek in his cloud with the bitch of Jared.

21 And it came to pass that the bitch of Jared did so, realizing his design was incredibly idiotic and would ensure certain death, even though it was what the Lord had told him to do.

22 And he cried again unto the Lord saying: O Lord, behold I have done even as thou hast commanded me; but it's still pitch fucking black inside. And it already smells like ass, and we haven't even gone anywhere yet. Behold, O Lord, when we try to air the barge out by opening only the top hole, behold, the stink doth not escape, for there are always two holes required for proper ventillation, and I fear after many days it will become difficult for us to breathe.

23 And the Lord said unto the bitch of Jared: Dude, quit bothering me with your petty little complaints. Windows haven't even fucking been invented yet, but I’ll pretend that they’re an option as though you would know what they are… But what the hell do you expect ME to do? And you can't use fire, because you can't use fire. I may be omnipotent to the point where I can make a bush burn without being consumed, but I can’t make a fire that doesn’t go out and doesn’t burn the wood that the boat is made of. That is beyond my God powers.

24 For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; except you shall travel much, much slower than that, because I do not like any of you. Yea, if you were to toss a bottle into the ocean, it would arrive in the promised land a year and a half before you, but without my help.  But you better remember to bow down to me like all the time or I will drown your asses, for it is I that shall bring you out of the depths of the sea, not the laws of physics, tides, or winds – even though those things would move you way faster.

25 And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come, for I fully plan on using them to annihilate you all at once if you don't do everything I say exactly how and when I say it. And since you seem to need my help with basically everything, and are too lazy to figure out how to fix this problem yourself because it's such a terribly shitty design, what magical instrument will you have me prepare for you to solve all your fucking problems?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Alma 31
1. Now it came to pass that after Alma had been taunted to tears by Richard Dawkins, he did receive word that the Zoramites were perverting the ways of the Lord and Zoram, who was their leader, was leading the hearts of the people to bow down to green papers with presidents printed on them, and his heart began to sicken because of the iniquity of the people.
2. And I, Mormon, have precious little room on these plates. Therefore, I will repeat exactly what I just said, using more words, but offering no useful additional detail. And yea, Alma’s heart began to sicken because of the iniquity of the people.
3. Now the Zoramites had gathered themselves together in a land which they called Antionum which was East of the land of Zarahemla which – oh hell, no one is ever going to find any evidence that these places existed and it isn't relevant to the rest of the story, so there really is no point in trying to lay out the geography.
4. Now the Nephites feared that the Zoramites would enter into a correspondence with the Lamanites and that would be a great loss to the Nephites, so Alma’s presence in Antionum was really political as much as it was spiritual, but we'll pretend it was all about saving souls.
5. Now as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead people to do that which the religious leaders tell them to do, yea, it had a greater effect on getting minds to reject facts in favor of fairytales than swords, therefore, Alma thought that he would try the virtue of religious indoctrination.
6. Therefore Alma did get himself a small posse of missionaries and went forth with them.
7. Now the eldest of his sons, Hetheman, did not come with him. Why that is relevant, I know not.
8. Now the Zoramites had broken away from mainstream Nephitism, therefor they had had the word preached unto them before.
9. But they had fallen into great errors for they would not observe to keep the commandments of God, and his statutes, according to the law of Moses.
10. For the law of Moses commanded sacrifices of animals with cloven hooves and none in the promised land had domesticated animals with cloven hooves.
11. Yea, they did pervert the ways of the Lord in very many instances for they did commit abominations in eating oysters and they did not force women who had issues of blood to be deemed unclean for doing so did force the Zoramites to discuss menstruation and behold, it must never be mentioned ever. For mentioning it would actually help people understand that it is normal. [Although to be fair, I Mormon, doubt that telling women they were unclean really helped their self-esteem.]
12. Now when they had come into the land, behold to their astonishment, they found that the Zoramites had built churches, and they did gather themselves together on one day of the week, which day they did call the Sabbath, and they did worship in a way which Alma and his brethren had never beheld;
13. For they had a place built up in the center-front of their church, a place for standing which was higher than a person’s head.
14. And on the first Sabbath of every month, they did go up onto the place one by one, place their hands on the sides of the wood at the top of the place, and announce to the multitude with a tearful voice, saying:
15. I’d like to bear my testimony that I know this church is true. I love our Heavenly Father.
16. And I know that He loves us. I know that Joseph Smith restored the true gospel to this Earth, that had been lost after the apostles were killed. I’m so grateful to be a member of this church because when I see those who don’t have the gospel, I see that their lives really are missing something important and they’ll never have it until they reject the errors of their fathers, open their hearts, and accept the gospel.
17. Brothers and sisters, we truly are the elect of God and I know that he saved us all for these latter days because every one of you here is a wonderful, spirit. I feel so sad for those who have rejected the gospel for they will never know true happiness in this life or the next so long as they reject it.
18. I know that this is the only true church and that we are so blessed to be members in it. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
19. And when it came to pass that when Alma and his brethren heard these testimonies, they were astonished by the arrogance of it. For behold, Alma himself did teach unto the people that faith is not to have a sure knowledge of things and yet the Zoramites with their stiff neckedness did claim to have sure knowledge.
20. And behold every man did go up and offer up the same testimony. And yea, even the little children who had knew not what they said, but wanted attention did go up and “bury” their testimonies as told to by their parents.
 21. Now this place was called by them Rameumpton, meaning pulpit with a microphone.
22. Now from this stand, they did offer up, every man, woman, and child, the selfsame testimony unto the congregation, thanking their God that they were chosen of him, and that he did not lead them away after the tradition of their brethren (typically Evangelicals, but often Catholics as well, although rarely were the traditions of their brethren named), that their hearts were not stolen away to believe in being saved by grace alone or praying to saints.
23. Now after had all offered up thanks in this manner, they returned to their homes and ate green Jello in abundance to break their fasts.
24. Now when Alma saw this, his heart was grieved; for he saw that they were a wicked and perverse people; yea what kind of people can hunger with such a lust for green Jello?
25. Yea, he saw also that believing that they were chosen of God and the only church with all truth, and believing that they knew things based only on easily misinterpreted feelings, had made them lift up their hearts with great boasting in their pride.
26. And he lifted his voice up to heaven and cried saying: O how long, o Lord, wilt thou suffer that thy servants shall below in the flesh to behold such gross wickedness among the children of men. 
26.5 And Alma realized not that he had just done as the Zoramites by implicitly placing his righteousness above that of the others.
27. And Alma continued: Behold o Lord they cry unto thee and yet their hearts are swallowed up in their pride. Behold o Lord they cry unto thee with their mouths while they are puffed up even unto greatness with the vain things of the world.
27.5 And the Zoramites did look upon Alma with wonder that he could be so rude as to enter their place of worship and loudly condemn them.
28. And Alma continued: Behold o God, their costly apparel, and their suits, and their silk dresses, and their Winnie the Pooh ties. Behold their hearts are set upon them, and they cry unto thee and say -- We thank thee o God that we have a shopping mall that cost more than all that has been spent on humanitarian aid during our lifetimes yea that we may have a place to visit Dillards in downtown SLC while others in third world countries perish.
29. Yea and they say thou hast made it known unto them that Christ will return this generation and they say that thou hast been saying that for eight generations and they don’t see the logical flaws in that.
30. O Lord God, how long wilt thou suffer that such snobbery should be among this people? For I have a headache from rolling my eyes so much from hearing about how they found their missing glasses just in time to not be late for an important job interview when the glasses were upon their heads. O Lord God, thou knowest that such is not a miracle. Why didst thou make them so fucking stupid?
31. And yea, the others talk about their vacations as though they intend to bolster the faith of their brethren by bragging about how their children got to see Mickey Mouse when they had looked for him all day long and thought that they would have to return home with sad children who had not seen Mickey, but at the last moment, Mickey did appear. For yea, Mickey is everywhere in Disneyland and, if anything, not being able to find him was the miracle.
32. And verily, O Lord, others do discuss conspiracy theories while more do tell stories that appear to have no spiritual context. Others do proclaim that thou hast spoken to them in ways that make them appear to have schizophrenia. And yet more do announce that they know that their deceased loved ones are watching over them at all times as though that is not seriously creepy.
33. And that last man did brag about how wonderful he was for offering a ride to a stranger when he was actually caught by members of the ward driving around with another man’s wife and hopes that announcing that he gave a stranger a ride, he will trick the congregation into believing that no affair was taking place.
34. And yea verily, that teenager did accidentally slip and announce that she’s had to talk to the bishop about her sins, making all wonder what she and her boyfriend have been up to.
35. And Lord, their souls are precious, but not so precious that I wouldst consider not praying about them in an incredibly condescending manner while they stand around me.
36. And it came to pass that when Alma had said these words, that he clapped his hands upon all them who were with him and they were filled with the spirit. And he clapped his hands again and the spirit left them. And he clapped his hands once more and the spirit was upon them. And Alma marveled at how the spirit worked like a gimmicky light switch from the 1990s.
37. And they did say until Alma with one voice: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? And none of them were moved by his hypocritical prayer.

38. And it came to pass that they did all return home and eat their green Jello, and pig out on steaks even though the Zoramite law of health forbade meat except in time of winter or famine and it was a pleasant summer day in the middle of a three year stretch of bountiful harvests. But verily, they did not eat potatoes for potatoes, being native to the Promised Land, must never be mentioned in this book. Same with maize. And Quinoa. And llamas. And tomatoes and tapirs and gila monsters.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

From the other words of Moroni (guest contributor), Alma Chapter 32

1) And it came to pass, that it came to pass that Alma and Amulek did barge into people's houses and church services, preaching to them and condemning them for their way of life.
2) And it came to pass, that it came to pass, that it had come to pass that after much labor among them, they began to have success among the poor class of people; for behold, the poor are statistically uneducated and the uneducated are fodder for religious deception.
3) For behold, they were not permitted to enter into the synagogues to worship God, being esteemed as filthiness because their poor manner of dress was not appropriate, and yea, they were so poor that they did wear blue jeans to church and others did look down upon them, esteeming them as dross – a curiosity for a people that lacked advanced metalworking. And more distressing to them was that they were so poor that they could not pay their tithing and they were cast out of the temples and not permitted even to attend their children’s weddings or learn masonic handshakes.
4) Now, as Alma was criticizing the people in the town of Oneida Castle, NY, there came unto him a great multitude of poor people.  And I beseech ye that ye forget not that they were poor.  And they were poor (did I mention their poverty yet?) because they couldn't get into church because they had not money, but I won't go into too much detail because there's really not enough room on these plates and it takes a god-awful long amount of time to inscribe anything let alone repeat things like “they were poor.”  Just remember that they were, like, really really poor.
5) And these poor people came unto Alma, like all at once and the one who was foremost among them (for they had taken time to vote a leader amongst them as they spontaneously gathered) said unto Alma: Dude, my friends here are, like, really really poor.  And the priests made us pay to build all these temples, which made us poor, and then threw us out, and we cannot have oil rubbed onto our naked bodies, or learn to say ‘Oh God, hear the words of my mouth,’ in the Adamic Language, so we're totally screwed forever, right?"  And many more things did this person say which I cannot write, for I'm really running out of room on these plates. Did I mention these people were poor?
6) And when Alma heard this he turned around immediately, for he wasn't aware that a multitude had been approaching him from behind on account of their being so sneaky. And he beheld their poverty and sufferings with great joy.
7) And Alma saw that he did have a multitude of suckers who were going to believe anything he told them.  So he said "fuck off" to the intellectuals who were able to point out the logical errors in his doctrines, and began teaching unto the poor people who were exceedingly gullible in their uneducated ignorance.
8) And it came to pass that he did say unto them: It a good thing that you're destitute.  I know your children are starving and you're probably lost loved ones to disease and exposure, but man this is just what God wanted.
9) This guy you elected told me that you're, like, really really poor.  For behold, he said unto me, “hey Alma, my friends here are, like, really really poor. And it’s because we can’t go into the temples.”
10) Really?  Are you dumb enough to think that you can only do masonic handshakes in the temples?
11) And Alma did show unto them the NewNameNoah videos on Youtube (come on, they have dross, why not Youtube?) and he did show unto them the five points of fellowship and they were verily amazed for those had been excised from the holy ritual which was necessary for salvation.  And he did show unto them the Temple Name Oracle and did give unto each of them a new name.  And behold, each of the names was the same.
12) Then Alma said unto them: Verily, verily, I tell you again.  It's very good that you're destitute and suffering, because now you're ready to be kicked around, and you won't even raise your hands when I ask for those opposed.  You'd totally give me all your money if I threatened you.
13) Sometimes people need to be kicked in the balls really really hard to get them to learn to listen to their authorities, and this is perfect!  The priests have already kicked you in the balls, and now I can become the authority.  If you do everything I say from here on out, I promise God won't kick you in the balls.
14) Now I know a lot of you are going to do exactly as I tell you because you don't want God to kick you in the balls.  I get that, and that's okay.  But think of it this way, you'd be such a better person if you did exactly as I say without being threatened with a good ball-kicking.
15) In fact, I encourage you, if you screw up, to kick your own balls.  Jump onto a balance beam or something.  That way I'll see that you have truly repented and God won't have to do anything.
16) But of course, the best thing you could do is just go back in time and obey me from the very beginning.  Then nobody would have ever had to kick your balls, ever, fucking morons.
17) Now I know there are insolent bastards among you that ask, 'how do we know God is going to kick our balls if we screw up? Why doesn't God come tell us himself?'
18) I ask you, is that what an obedient little person would do? Ask for evidence?  What kind of self-centered godless prick are you?  Why can't you just have faith?
19) If God came down and you had one little fucking hair out of place, he'd rip your balls off with his bare hands.
20) And it would totally be nobody's fault but your own.
21) Now, as I was saying about faith, it's totally against the definition of faith if you know something.  God doesn't want us to know anything.  He wants us to have faith in it, which means we have to not really know it.  Just make sure that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what you have faith in is true, unless you want to sing soprano. Nonetheless, even if God doth not want that ye should know things, ye must always bear testimony saying ye know.  Verily, this I know to be true.
22) And yea, I behold that ye are confused, but let me explain it to you in terms that even your pathetic minds can understand.  The first thing you must do is believe everything I tell you.
23) Seriously, God talks to me all the time.  I know what I'm talking about.  He talks to you too but you're too stupid to realize it.
24) What?  That offends you?  Come on, you came to me.  Those bastards in the temples wouldn't even let you in because you didn’t have a little slip of paper to get in.  From where I'm standing, I'm your only option.  I may be calling you stupid, but that’s only because it's true.
25) I know there are those among you that would have been smart enough to obey me whether or not you had been kicked in the balls, but the rest of you are just plain stupid, and that's a fact.
26) Now, where was I?  Oh yes, faith.  You can't know whether or not I'm a liar and con-man who just wants to take all your money.  There's no way anybody could possibly know that.  That would totally defeat the purpose. I might rape your daughters and spend all your money on lawyers to cover my ass.  You have no idea.
27) But if you will just do everything I tell you... in fact, scratch that, if you will just WANT to do everything I tell you, that's a really good place to start.
28) Now we will compare my word to a seed.  The first thing you must do is make the assumption that the seed will grow.  If it doesn't grow, then it's your own goddamned fault and you have to try again, you worthless, faithless asshole.  Once your seed grows, then you can tell yourself “hey, I'm not that bad of a person after all.  Look, my seed grew just like the guy told me it would.  Maybe this guy was right after all!” And even though many of ye will not receive an answer to your prayers, ye will pretend to have received one, just to avoid being perceived as wicked, and this because of your stupidity.
29) Again, if the seed doesn't grow then that means ye must try again because ye are mentally and spiritually deficient.  If it does grow then there's your evidence right there. And the answer will always be yes, for the answer is already decided before the experiment. Ignore the fact that that approach violates every aspect of the scientific process.
30) And as the plant swelleth and sprouteth and beginneth to grow, ye can say “hey, this means plants must always grow from seeds.  I don't know it for certain, but I can totally have faith in it now."
31) For behold, I say unto ye, I know for certain that every last seed of mine grows into a plant, and if it doesn't then it's your own goddamned fault.
32) So just throw away all those seeds when they don't grow.  Don't tell anyone.  Just forget they ever existed.  When seeds fail in other churches that means their church is wrong.  When my seeds fail, it means that YOU are wrong. But if seeds grow in other churches, it’s because they have little iotas of truth, and not because their ground isn’t barren.
33) This is the true way to perform an experiment upon the word.  Just keep trying and trying until you get the results I told you that ye would get – and know that if you don’t get those results, those who believe will condemn you for your unrighteousness, thereby forcing you to pretend to have received word from God or remain under condemnation.
34) And now behold, this is how you gain a perfect knowledge.  I know I told you that you can't know anything for certain, but when it comes to my religion that rule no longer applies.
35) This is how you can know for sure that the thing you have faith in also happens to be true.
36) And now behold, does this mean you can give up convincing yourself that I am right?  No way!  Keep looking for evidence and arguments that support my words!"
37) Your little tree of faith might wither someday, which might cause you to not know for certain anymore that what you have faith in also happens to be certainly true.  You must be obedient until the day you die if you want to keep knowing it.
38) For behold, if you don't keep up the programming, your rational side might emerge.  You might find yourself starting to wonder things like 'hey, maybe this seed didn't grow because sometimes they just don't.
39) If it doesn't grow it's your own goddamned fault.  Haven't you been listening?
40) If you try to pull any of that logic, God will kick your balls so hard you'll turn into a girl.
41) This is the true order of things.  Pray about my words, and if you don't get an answer then just keep praying about them for the rest of your life until you do.  Meanwhile, give me all your money.  Someday you may get a good feeling after your prayer, and that’s all the certainty you’ll ever need.
42) So, in summary, do everything I tell you and your wildest dreams will come true.
43) Now, give me all your money.

44) And it came to pass that the men in the multitude did listen to what Alma said with hearts open and legs crossed. And they were all so astonished by his vulgarity and his profanity that they did believe unto his words.

Monday, March 10, 2014

1 Nephi 4:6-21

6. And it came to pass that I, Nephi, crept into the city like a creeper and went forth toward the house of Laban. And I was led forth by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Even though I had already been to his house, verily I needed the Spirit to lead me there because notwithstanding this was my hometown, I was not familiar with it.
7. Nevertheless I went forth, and as I came near unto the house of Laban, I beheld a man, and he had fallen to the earth before me, for he was drunken with wine. So am I right now, as, I write: this – if ye, cannot, tell, by, my – complete lack, of understanding, of, how, to, use, punctuation.
8. And when I came to him, I found that it was Laban.
9. And behold, I drew his sword, and I drew it forth from the sheath thereof and then I drew it on a piece of paper because I had not yet drawn it enough; and the hilt thereof was of pure gold and I determined that it must be an ornamental sword only for verily, the pure gold was far too soft to hold the blade straight even when it was yet only being held. And yea, it came to pass that, after just a moment of holding it and admiring the craftsmanship with which it was made, it had drooped so much that it looked like it needed some Viagra. And the blade thereof was made of most precious steel. Verily, so precious was this steel that appeared unto me that it had not yet been invented.
10. And it came to pass that the Spirit of the Lord said unto me: Murder that fucker. But I said in my heart, Never at any time have I shed the blood of man. And I shrunk that I might not slay him.
11. And the Spirit said unto me again: Behold, the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands. Murder that fucker. And I was sore afraid that I was not hearing the Spirit of the lord, but a Devil of Satan for there was no need to murder a man harmlessly passed out in the street.
12. And I said unto the Spirit, yea, all of Laban’s house did see that we tried to purchase the brass plates of him and if they did find his body murdered the next morn and the plates missing, they would surely seek us more fervently for the murder as well as the theft.
13. And it came to pass that I said: Let me not murder him that I may instead, instead, take his clothes and adorn my body with them, and then draw a dick on his face while he remains passed out from drink. Then I may enter his house and the Lord may disguise me that I may appear as Laban and break the eighth commandment in the name of the Lord who commanded against it.
14. And it came to pass that it did come to pass that it had come to pass. Verily.
15. And the Spirit of the Lord said: Art thou hard of hearing? Murder that fucker. It is better that one shall perish than that an entire nation should dwindle in unbelief.
16. And I attempted to persuade Him again that I might not kill Laban, saying: But Spirit of the Lord, thou usest a logical fallacy. If God be powerful enough to cause a drunken sleep to come over Laben, surely he be powerful enough to keep him in that drunken stupor that I, a 15 year old boy may not be forced to commit a murder of a helpless man. For when I tell this story to all who hear, they shall condemn me. Yea, they shall accuse me of having schizophrenia and killing people because the voices in my head tell me to.
17. But the Spirit of the Lord said unto me: Kill that fucker, you argumentative little shit. I am so sick of this teenage attitude. You just think you know everything, don’t you?
18. Therefore, I did obey the voice of the “Spirit” and took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote his neck with the sword. But being an ornamental sword, it cut not through, yea it cut only to the spine of the neck. And I struck again, yet verily, I found that the spine of the neck is exceedingly difficult to sever with an ornamental sword. The blood of Laban did flow all over me until yea, I had much difficulty grasping the slippery hair of his head so great was the blood everywhere. And I struck Laban 7 more times, severing tendons that snapped like piano wires, cracking the bones, and chipping pieces of bone off. And it came to pass that I did finally break through the spine and I swung again, but found the skin on the far side of his neck difficult to cut through and did have to use the sword with sawing motions to cut through the skin.
19. And it came to pass that after I had smitten off the head of Laban, that Laban rose up on his hands and fell; and after that he struggled for breath, he died. And I did exclaim in exceedingly great surprise: HOLY FUCK! Yea, I hath never seen anything as weird as that shit.
20. And after Laban had finished gasping for air, I took the garments of Laban and put them on mine own body and looked at the blood that I had on mine hands and Laban’s clothes, soaked clear through that his armor was now turning brown as it dried and yea I felt compelled to say, “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.”
21. And I did go get the plates and the Lord changed my appearance that none did see the blood on mine clothes or that mine face was not Laban’s or that mine voice was not Laban’s and as I was about to escape, they did capture me and remand me to the psycho ward where I had been a prisoner since setting a bear loose on children that called me a baldy back in the 1970’s. My shrink keeps trying to tell me that there is no spirit telling me to kill people and I simply look over to my left where the Spirit of the Lord is and He says, “The only ones who are fully rejected sayeth the Lord are those who denieth the Holy Spirit” and I try to strangle my shrink, but the guards tackle me and put me in a straightjacket. It’s nice here in the padded room with all the white pillowy wallpaper. My unicorn friends come to visit me and we eat tea and crumpets and float around the room because not even the guards can force me to obey the law of gravity.

Alma 23:14-41

14. And it came to pass that Ammon, yea even the Ammon who was the Son of Mosiah the King,  even the Ammon who was visited by an angel and told to repent even though people who don’t have the royal connections are just cursed with horrible diseases when they doubt God, went to preach among the Lamanites because it is always the duty of the white religious zealots to force their religion on the dark skinned people.
15. And now I, Mormon, feel compelled to project all of the unpleasant and false stereotypes of the Native Americans, as held by white American settlers in the 1820s, upon the Lamanites. In fact, I feel compelled to describe them as particularly nasty, in a manner that exists only to give whites a false sense of moral superiority, insomuch that I feel the need to make them look like the Indians in a 1930s Western film. And verily, I Mormon, prophecy that even though it shall come to pass that later generations shall reject my words, yea, Briggy will be a big fan.
16. And yea Ammon did seek to bring the Lamanites unto God for His church was poor and needed more tithing.
17. Therefor the sons of Mosiah (or was it Bejamin? I forget…) did separate themselves and each man go his own way because verily they had not more sense than the characters in a contrived horror film.
18. And it came to pass that I Mormon failed to abridge this well and continued the unnecessary narrative for two more verses.
19. Yea, verily this also is one of those verses. For having little room on these plates, I sure don’t know how to save space by eliminating the superfluous details.
20. And it came to pass that when Ammon came into the land of Ishmael, the Injuns came and got ‘im, tied him up, and took him to their chief, erm… um king. Because in that country, every vagrant got an audience with the king.
21. And thus they took Ammon in front of King Lamoni and debated about whether to scalp him or just take his wampum.
22. And it came to pass that Lamoni did enquire of Ammon if it was his intention to live among the Lamanites and Ammon said unto him, “How.”
23. And verily, Lamoni was confused by Ammon’s actions, and did enquire of him again and Ammon said, “How,” while batting his hand against his mouth while howling whilst doing a rain dance. And it came to pass that the satirist did grow weary of the racist stereotypes in the  Book of Mormon, yea even insomuch that he did opt to satirize them no more, hoping that what had been written thus far would be sufficient to point out that the tome of supposedly sacred scripture is really fully of nasty stereotypes.
24. And Ammon finally answered unto him that he intended to live in Lamaniteville until the end of his days. And Lamoni was pleased with Ammon and unbound him and wanted that Ammon should take one of his daughters for a wife.
25. But Ammon said unto him: What the hell, dude? You don’t know anything about me, I’m from a culture that is an enemy to your civilization, I was brought here in chains because you have that many cultural biases against my people and yet we have a twenty-eight second conversation and you want me to marry your daughter afterwards? You have got to be the worst father ever. And it came to pass that Lamoni’s ire was risen with Ammon and he punished him by saying that Ammon must guard his flocks.
26. And when Ammon heard these things, he was amazed – yea, he knew not how he could watch a flock when flocks referred either to birds that the Lamanites had not domesticated, or to sheep, which the Lamanites had not at all for they had not been found in the Promised Land. And when he came unto the place where the Lamanites were watching the flocks, he did see that there were indeed sheep.
27. And the other shepherds did explain to Ammon that their job was to ensure that no trace of the sheep remained. Yea, all of the shepherds did follow the sheep around with buckets to collect every last dropping and have it burned. The wool was likewise burned since having a pair of warm socks turn up as archaeological evidence that sheep existed in the Promised Land was against Lamoni’s decree. Dead sheep were likewise burned and the ashes were poured into the sea. And the sheep were constantly moved from place to place that they may never be allowed in one area long enough to have a lasting effect on the terrain or on the ecosystem. And no pens, pastures, or stables were created for them for those, too, would leave evidence.
28. And yea, while they were striving diligently to ensure that the flocks left no sort of visible footprint, bad Lamanites did scatter the flocks and the servants of the king gave up immediately and said: for now the king will slay us unless the white guy steps in and saves us. For yea, verily, it did work in Dances with Wolves, Last of the Mohicans, Pocahontas, and Avatar.
29. And Ammon said unto them: I have been waiting for this moment. And he wrapped a strip of cloth around his head and did try to look like Rambo.
30. And those were the actions of Ammon. Even though I, Mormon, just barely said that those were his actions, I feel the need to emphasize it. And yea, I would repeat that those were the actions of Ammon yet again, but I have but little room to write on these plates.
31. And it came to pass that he flattered them by his words, saying “My brethren, be of good cheer and let us go in search of the flocks and we will gather them together and bring them back to the places of water; and thus we will preserve the flocks unto the king and he will not slay us. And I, Mormon, would like to note that I am confused as to how that can be considered flattery.
32. And yea, they did gather the flocks and bring them back to the place of water. And none of them did consider the motives of those who scattered the flocks but did not steal them. And none did consider their reasons for being so convinced that all the servants would die when all they had to do was go out and find the lost sheep. Considering the fact that that is really a shepherd’s primary responsibility, it should not have brought such feelings of terror and despair upon them.
33. And those men again stood to scatter their flocks (why they “stood” to do it, I know not). And Ammon had the brilliant idea to tell the shepherds to act like shepherds, although considering the fact that the idea had slipped their minds previously, maybe that was a fair thing to tell them. And Ammon decided to remember to talk to Lamoni about not hiring the offspring of siblings to tend the flocks, then told all that he would contend with the men who were trying to scatter the flocks.
34. And the servants did as Ammon told them and Ammon went to contend with those who stood at the waters and their numbers were not a few.
35. And they supposed that they could slay him for they knew not that the Lord had given Ammon the power of Rambo.
36. And Ammon did sling rocks at them and killed a number of them and, even though their goals were merely to cause mischief for the shepherds, the sheep-scaterers did not give up, yea they did come after Ammon with clubs.
37. And Ammon did draw his AK-47 out from under his hat and shot off the arms of all who did raise a club against him. Why Ammon would bring a lethal weapon with him while on a mission of peace to spread a message of love, Ammon did not say. And I Mormon would address those who don’t believe that Ammon had an AK-47 with him. Yea, swords did not exist in the Promised Land until the arrival of Columbus and yet ye accept that the Nephites had swords anyway, so why not an AK-47?
38. Now six had fallen by the sling, but he slew none save it were their leader and he did slay their leader with a grenade launcher (because people who lost their arms in those days always survived – gangrene shmangrene); and he shot off as many arms as were raised against him and they number three hundred and seventy four. Yea, did I not tell ye that the Lord had given Ammon the power of Rambo?
39. And after he had driven them afar off, he returned and the others watered their flocks and returned them to the fields to graze, then they did gather the arms and take them to the king that they might tell him all that Ammon had done. And it came to pass that Ammon did take advantage of the fact that he was alone with the sheep and did lie with them. And verily, verily, it was very awkward when the servants returned earlier than Ammon had anticipated. And yea, verily, and it came to pass, etc., Ammon did regret not having a mission companion to give him a blessing to cure the syphilis that he contracted from the sheep. At least, unlike with swords and sheep, syphilis did exist in the Promised Land before Columbus.
40. But when Lamoni found out about it, he had all of the sheep slaughtered, incinerated, and their ashes dumped in the sea. And thus all sheep on the American continent were destroyed and no trace of them was left. Because that’s really more likely than the idea that we can find evidence of tiny horses that went extinct on the continent thirty thousand years ago, but we can’t find evidence of sheep that were supposedly there just over two thousand years ago and were domesticated and ranched. And both are more likely than the idea that Joseph Smith made the whole thing up.

41. Not.