Monday, March 10, 2014

1 Nephi 4:6-21

6. And it came to pass that I, Nephi, crept into the city like a creeper and went forth toward the house of Laban. And I was led forth by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Even though I had already been to his house, verily I needed the Spirit to lead me there because notwithstanding this was my hometown, I was not familiar with it.
7. Nevertheless I went forth, and as I came near unto the house of Laban, I beheld a man, and he had fallen to the earth before me, for he was drunken with wine. So am I right now, as, I write: this – if ye, cannot, tell, by, my – complete lack, of understanding, of, how, to, use, punctuation.
8. And when I came to him, I found that it was Laban.
9. And behold, I drew his sword, and I drew it forth from the sheath thereof and then I drew it on a piece of paper because I had not yet drawn it enough; and the hilt thereof was of pure gold and I determined that it must be an ornamental sword only for verily, the pure gold was far too soft to hold the blade straight even when it was yet only being held. And yea, it came to pass that, after just a moment of holding it and admiring the craftsmanship with which it was made, it had drooped so much that it looked like it needed some Viagra. And the blade thereof was made of most precious steel. Verily, so precious was this steel that appeared unto me that it had not yet been invented.
10. And it came to pass that the Spirit of the Lord said unto me: Murder that fucker. But I said in my heart, Never at any time have I shed the blood of man. And I shrunk that I might not slay him.
11. And the Spirit said unto me again: Behold, the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands. Murder that fucker. And I was sore afraid that I was not hearing the Spirit of the lord, but a Devil of Satan for there was no need to murder a man harmlessly passed out in the street.
12. And I said unto the Spirit, yea, all of Laban’s house did see that we tried to purchase the brass plates of him and if they did find his body murdered the next morn and the plates missing, they would surely seek us more fervently for the murder as well as the theft.
13. And it came to pass that I said: Let me not murder him that I may instead, instead, take his clothes and adorn my body with them, and then draw a dick on his face while he remains passed out from drink. Then I may enter his house and the Lord may disguise me that I may appear as Laban and break the eighth commandment in the name of the Lord who commanded against it.
14. And it came to pass that it did come to pass that it had come to pass. Verily.
15. And the Spirit of the Lord said: Art thou hard of hearing? Murder that fucker. It is better that one shall perish than that an entire nation should dwindle in unbelief.
16. And I attempted to persuade Him again that I might not kill Laban, saying: But Spirit of the Lord, thou usest a logical fallacy. If God be powerful enough to cause a drunken sleep to come over Laben, surely he be powerful enough to keep him in that drunken stupor that I, a 15 year old boy may not be forced to commit a murder of a helpless man. For when I tell this story to all who hear, they shall condemn me. Yea, they shall accuse me of having schizophrenia and killing people because the voices in my head tell me to.
17. But the Spirit of the Lord said unto me: Kill that fucker, you argumentative little shit. I am so sick of this teenage attitude. You just think you know everything, don’t you?
18. Therefore, I did obey the voice of the “Spirit” and took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote his neck with the sword. But being an ornamental sword, it cut not through, yea it cut only to the spine of the neck. And I struck again, yet verily, I found that the spine of the neck is exceedingly difficult to sever with an ornamental sword. The blood of Laban did flow all over me until yea, I had much difficulty grasping the slippery hair of his head so great was the blood everywhere. And I struck Laban 7 more times, severing tendons that snapped like piano wires, cracking the bones, and chipping pieces of bone off. And it came to pass that I did finally break through the spine and I swung again, but found the skin on the far side of his neck difficult to cut through and did have to use the sword with sawing motions to cut through the skin.
19. And it came to pass that after I had smitten off the head of Laban, that Laban rose up on his hands and fell; and after that he struggled for breath, he died. And I did exclaim in exceedingly great surprise: HOLY FUCK! Yea, I hath never seen anything as weird as that shit.
20. And after Laban had finished gasping for air, I took the garments of Laban and put them on mine own body and looked at the blood that I had on mine hands and Laban’s clothes, soaked clear through that his armor was now turning brown as it dried and yea I felt compelled to say, “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.”
21. And I did go get the plates and the Lord changed my appearance that none did see the blood on mine clothes or that mine face was not Laban’s or that mine voice was not Laban’s and as I was about to escape, they did capture me and remand me to the psycho ward where I had been a prisoner since setting a bear loose on children that called me a baldy back in the 1970’s. My shrink keeps trying to tell me that there is no spirit telling me to kill people and I simply look over to my left where the Spirit of the Lord is and He says, “The only ones who are fully rejected sayeth the Lord are those who denieth the Holy Spirit” and I try to strangle my shrink, but the guards tackle me and put me in a straightjacket. It’s nice here in the padded room with all the white pillowy wallpaper. My unicorn friends come to visit me and we eat tea and crumpets and float around the room because not even the guards can force me to obey the law of gravity.


  1. Ha! Nicely done, Joseph. I think vs #19 though should be "Shiz" instead of "shit" just to more clearly reference the Shiz standing up after having his head severed.

  2. I laughed out loud so hard when reading this, my husband got up to ask me the joke!
    I'd never be able to explain it.

  3. Brian, LOL, I like that. Technorebel, I'm glad you enjoyed it. My first hope with this blog is to get people to think. My second hope is to make people laugh, so I'm glad to be at least half way there!