Monday, March 10, 2014

Alma 23:14-41

14. And it came to pass that Ammon, yea even the Ammon who was the Son of Mosiah the King,  even the Ammon who was visited by an angel and told to repent even though people who don’t have the royal connections are just cursed with horrible diseases when they doubt God, went to preach among the Lamanites because it is always the duty of the white religious zealots to force their religion on the dark skinned people.
15. And now I, Mormon, feel compelled to project all of the unpleasant and false stereotypes of the Native Americans, as held by white American settlers in the 1820s, upon the Lamanites. In fact, I feel compelled to describe them as particularly nasty, in a manner that exists only to give whites a false sense of moral superiority, insomuch that I feel the need to make them look like the Indians in a 1930s Western film. And verily, I Mormon, prophecy that even though it shall come to pass that later generations shall reject my words, yea, Briggy will be a big fan.
16. And yea Ammon did seek to bring the Lamanites unto God for His church was poor and needed more tithing.
17. Therefor the sons of Mosiah (or was it Bejamin? I forget…) did separate themselves and each man go his own way because verily they had not more sense than the characters in a contrived horror film.
18. And it came to pass that I Mormon failed to abridge this well and continued the unnecessary narrative for two more verses.
19. Yea, verily this also is one of those verses. For having little room on these plates, I sure don’t know how to save space by eliminating the superfluous details.
20. And it came to pass that when Ammon came into the land of Ishmael, the Injuns came and got ‘im, tied him up, and took him to their chief, erm… um king. Because in that country, every vagrant got an audience with the king.
21. And thus they took Ammon in front of King Lamoni and debated about whether to scalp him or just take his wampum.
22. And it came to pass that Lamoni did enquire of Ammon if it was his intention to live among the Lamanites and Ammon said unto him, “How.”
23. And verily, Lamoni was confused by Ammon’s actions, and did enquire of him again and Ammon said, “How,” while batting his hand against his mouth while howling whilst doing a rain dance. And it came to pass that the satirist did grow weary of the racist stereotypes in the  Book of Mormon, yea even insomuch that he did opt to satirize them no more, hoping that what had been written thus far would be sufficient to point out that the tome of supposedly sacred scripture is really fully of nasty stereotypes.
24. And Ammon finally answered unto him that he intended to live in Lamaniteville until the end of his days. And Lamoni was pleased with Ammon and unbound him and wanted that Ammon should take one of his daughters for a wife.
25. But Ammon said unto him: What the hell, dude? You don’t know anything about me, I’m from a culture that is an enemy to your civilization, I was brought here in chains because you have that many cultural biases against my people and yet we have a twenty-eight second conversation and you want me to marry your daughter afterwards? You have got to be the worst father ever. And it came to pass that Lamoni’s ire was risen with Ammon and he punished him by saying that Ammon must guard his flocks.
26. And when Ammon heard these things, he was amazed – yea, he knew not how he could watch a flock when flocks referred either to birds that the Lamanites had not domesticated, or to sheep, which the Lamanites had not at all for they had not been found in the Promised Land. And when he came unto the place where the Lamanites were watching the flocks, he did see that there were indeed sheep.
27. And the other shepherds did explain to Ammon that their job was to ensure that no trace of the sheep remained. Yea, all of the shepherds did follow the sheep around with buckets to collect every last dropping and have it burned. The wool was likewise burned since having a pair of warm socks turn up as archaeological evidence that sheep existed in the Promised Land was against Lamoni’s decree. Dead sheep were likewise burned and the ashes were poured into the sea. And the sheep were constantly moved from place to place that they may never be allowed in one area long enough to have a lasting effect on the terrain or on the ecosystem. And no pens, pastures, or stables were created for them for those, too, would leave evidence.
28. And yea, while they were striving diligently to ensure that the flocks left no sort of visible footprint, bad Lamanites did scatter the flocks and the servants of the king gave up immediately and said: for now the king will slay us unless the white guy steps in and saves us. For yea, verily, it did work in Dances with Wolves, Last of the Mohicans, Pocahontas, and Avatar.
29. And Ammon said unto them: I have been waiting for this moment. And he wrapped a strip of cloth around his head and did try to look like Rambo.
30. And those were the actions of Ammon. Even though I, Mormon, just barely said that those were his actions, I feel the need to emphasize it. And yea, I would repeat that those were the actions of Ammon yet again, but I have but little room to write on these plates.
31. And it came to pass that he flattered them by his words, saying “My brethren, be of good cheer and let us go in search of the flocks and we will gather them together and bring them back to the places of water; and thus we will preserve the flocks unto the king and he will not slay us. And I, Mormon, would like to note that I am confused as to how that can be considered flattery.
32. And yea, they did gather the flocks and bring them back to the place of water. And none of them did consider the motives of those who scattered the flocks but did not steal them. And none did consider their reasons for being so convinced that all the servants would die when all they had to do was go out and find the lost sheep. Considering the fact that that is really a shepherd’s primary responsibility, it should not have brought such feelings of terror and despair upon them.
33. And those men again stood to scatter their flocks (why they “stood” to do it, I know not). And Ammon had the brilliant idea to tell the shepherds to act like shepherds, although considering the fact that the idea had slipped their minds previously, maybe that was a fair thing to tell them. And Ammon decided to remember to talk to Lamoni about not hiring the offspring of siblings to tend the flocks, then told all that he would contend with the men who were trying to scatter the flocks.
34. And the servants did as Ammon told them and Ammon went to contend with those who stood at the waters and their numbers were not a few.
35. And they supposed that they could slay him for they knew not that the Lord had given Ammon the power of Rambo.
36. And Ammon did sling rocks at them and killed a number of them and, even though their goals were merely to cause mischief for the shepherds, the sheep-scaterers did not give up, yea they did come after Ammon with clubs.
37. And Ammon did draw his AK-47 out from under his hat and shot off the arms of all who did raise a club against him. Why Ammon would bring a lethal weapon with him while on a mission of peace to spread a message of love, Ammon did not say. And I Mormon would address those who don’t believe that Ammon had an AK-47 with him. Yea, swords did not exist in the Promised Land until the arrival of Columbus and yet ye accept that the Nephites had swords anyway, so why not an AK-47?
38. Now six had fallen by the sling, but he slew none save it were their leader and he did slay their leader with a grenade launcher (because people who lost their arms in those days always survived – gangrene shmangrene); and he shot off as many arms as were raised against him and they number three hundred and seventy four. Yea, did I not tell ye that the Lord had given Ammon the power of Rambo?
39. And after he had driven them afar off, he returned and the others watered their flocks and returned them to the fields to graze, then they did gather the arms and take them to the king that they might tell him all that Ammon had done. And it came to pass that Ammon did take advantage of the fact that he was alone with the sheep and did lie with them. And verily, verily, it was very awkward when the servants returned earlier than Ammon had anticipated. And yea, verily, and it came to pass, etc., Ammon did regret not having a mission companion to give him a blessing to cure the syphilis that he contracted from the sheep. At least, unlike with swords and sheep, syphilis did exist in the Promised Land before Columbus.
40. But when Lamoni found out about it, he had all of the sheep slaughtered, incinerated, and their ashes dumped in the sea. And thus all sheep on the American continent were destroyed and no trace of them was left. Because that’s really more likely than the idea that we can find evidence of tiny horses that went extinct on the continent thirty thousand years ago, but we can’t find evidence of sheep that were supposedly there just over two thousand years ago and were domesticated and ranched. And both are more likely than the idea that Joseph Smith made the whole thing up.

41. Not. 

No comments:

Post a Comment