1) And it came to pass, that it came to pass that Alma and Amulek did barge into people's houses and church services, preaching to them and condemning them for their way of life.
2) And it came to pass, that it came to pass, that it had come to pass that after much labor among them, they began to have success among the poor class of people; for behold, the poor are statistically uneducated and the uneducated are fodder for religious deception.
3) For behold, they were not permitted to enter into the synagogues to worship God, being esteemed as filthiness because their poor manner of dress was not appropriate, and yea, they were so poor that they did wear blue jeans to church and others did look down upon them, esteeming them as dross – a curiosity for a people that lacked advanced metalworking. And more distressing to them was that they were so poor that they could not pay their tithing and they were cast out of the temples and not permitted even to attend their children’s weddings or learn masonic handshakes.
4) Now, as
Alma was criticizing the people in the town of Oneida Castle, NY, there
came unto him a great multitude of poor people.
And I beseech ye that ye forget not that they were poor. And they were poor (did I mention their
poverty yet?) because they couldn't get into church because they had not money,
but I won't go into too much detail because there's really not enough room on
these plates and it takes a god-awful long amount of time to inscribe anything
let alone repeat things like “they were poor.”
Just remember that they were, like, really really poor.
5) And these poor people came unto
Alma, like all at once and the one who
was foremost among them (for they had taken time to vote a leader amongst them
as they spontaneously gathered) said unto Alma:
Dude, my friends here are, like, really really poor. And the priests made us pay to build all
these temples, which made us poor, and then threw us out, and we cannot have
oil rubbed onto our naked bodies, or learn to say ‘Oh God, hear the words of my
mouth,’ in the Adamic Language, so we're totally screwed forever,
right?" And many more things did
this person say which I cannot write, for I'm really running out of room on
these plates. Did I mention these people were poor?
6) And when
Alma heard this he turned
around immediately, for he wasn't aware that a multitude had been approaching
him from behind on account of their being so sneaky. And he beheld their
poverty and sufferings with great joy.
Alma saw that he did have a multitude of
suckers who were going to believe anything he told them. So he said "fuck off" to the
intellectuals who were able to point out the logical errors in his doctrines,
and began teaching unto the poor people who were exceedingly gullible in their
8) And it came to pass that he did say unto them: It a good thing that you're destitute. I know your children are starving and you're probably lost loved ones to disease and exposure, but man this is just what God wanted.
9) This guy you elected told me that you're, like, really really poor. For behold, he said unto me, “hey
my friends here are, like, really really poor. And it’s because we can’t go
into the temples.”
10) Really? Are you dumb enough to think that you can only do masonic handshakes in the temples?
11) And Alma did show unto them the NewNameNoah videos on Youtube (come on, they have dross, why not Youtube?) and he did show unto them the five points of fellowship and they were verily amazed for those had been excised from the holy ritual which was necessary for salvation. And he did show unto them the Temple Name Oracle and did give unto each of them a new name. And behold, each of the names was the same.
Alma said unto them: Verily, verily, I tell
you again. It's very good that you're
destitute and suffering, because now you're ready to be kicked around, and you
won't even raise your hands when I ask for those opposed. You'd totally give me all your money if I
13) Sometimes people need to be kicked in the balls really really hard to get them to learn to listen to their authorities, and this is perfect! The priests have already kicked you in the balls, and now I can become the authority. If you do everything I say from here on out, I promise God won't kick you in the balls.
14) Now I know a lot of you are going to do exactly as I tell you because you don't want God to kick you in the balls. I get that, and that's okay. But think of it this way, you'd be such a better person if you did exactly as I say without being threatened with a good ball-kicking.
15) In fact, I encourage you, if you screw up, to kick your own balls. Jump onto a balance beam or something. That way I'll see that you have truly repented and God won't have to do anything.
16) But of course, the best thing you could do is just go back in time and obey me from the very beginning. Then nobody would have ever had to kick your balls, ever, fucking morons.
17) Now I know there are insolent bastards among you that ask, 'how do we know God is going to kick our balls if we screw up? Why doesn't God come tell us himself?'
18) I ask you, is that what an obedient little person would do? Ask for evidence? What kind of self-centered godless prick are you? Why can't you just have faith?
19) If God came down and you had one little fucking hair out of place, he'd rip your balls off with his bare hands.
20) And it would totally be nobody's fault but your own.
21) Now, as I was saying about faith, it's totally against the definition of faith if you know something. God doesn't want us to know anything. He wants us to have faith in it, which means we have to not really know it. Just make sure that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what you have faith in is true, unless you want to sing soprano. Nonetheless, even if God doth not want that ye should know things, ye must always bear testimony saying ye know. Verily, this I know to be true.
22) And yea, I behold that ye are confused, but let me explain it to you in terms that even your pathetic minds can understand. The first thing you must do is believe everything I tell you.
23) Seriously, God talks to me all the time. I know what I'm talking about. He talks to you too but you're too stupid to realize it.
24) What? That offends you? Come on, you came to me. Those bastards in the temples wouldn't even let you in because you didn’t have a little slip of paper to get in. From where I'm standing, I'm your only option. I may be calling you stupid, but that’s only because it's true.
25) I know there are those among you that would have been smart enough to obey me whether or not you had been kicked in the balls, but the rest of you are just plain stupid, and that's a fact.
26) Now, where was I? Oh yes, faith. You can't know whether or not I'm a liar and con-man who just wants to take all your money. There's no way anybody could possibly know that. That would totally defeat the purpose. I might rape your daughters and spend all your money on lawyers to cover my ass. You have no idea.
27) But if you will just do everything I tell you... in fact, scratch that, if you will just WANT to do everything I tell you, that's a really good place to start.
28) Now we will compare my word to a seed. The first thing you must do is make the assumption that the seed will grow. If it doesn't grow, then it's your own goddamned fault and you have to try again, you worthless, faithless asshole. Once your seed grows, then you can tell yourself “hey, I'm not that bad of a person after all. Look, my seed grew just like the guy told me it would. Maybe this guy was right after all!” And even though many of ye will not receive an answer to your prayers, ye will pretend to have received one, just to avoid being perceived as wicked, and this because of your stupidity.
29) Again, if the seed doesn't grow then that means ye must try again because ye are mentally and spiritually deficient. If it does grow then there's your evidence right there. And the answer will always be yes, for the answer is already decided before the experiment. Ignore the fact that that approach violates every aspect of the scientific process.
30) And as the plant swelleth and sprouteth and beginneth to grow, ye can say “hey, this means plants must always grow from seeds. I don't know it for certain, but I can totally have faith in it now."
31) For behold, I say unto ye, I know for certain that every last seed of mine grows into a plant, and if it doesn't then it's your own goddamned fault.
32) So just throw away all those seeds when they don't grow. Don't tell anyone. Just forget they ever existed. When seeds fail in other churches that means their church is wrong. When my seeds fail, it means that YOU are wrong. But if seeds grow in other churches, it’s because they have little iotas of truth, and not because their ground isn’t barren.
33) This is the true way to perform an experiment upon the word. Just keep trying and trying until you get the results I told you that ye would get – and know that if you don’t get those results, those who believe will condemn you for your unrighteousness, thereby forcing you to pretend to have received word from God or remain under condemnation.
34) And now behold, this is how you gain a perfect knowledge. I know I told you that you can't know anything for certain, but when it comes to my religion that rule no longer applies.
35) This is how you can know for sure that the thing you have faith in also happens to be true.
36) And now behold, does this mean you can give up convincing yourself that I am right? No way! Keep looking for evidence and arguments that support my words!"
37) Your little tree of faith might wither someday, which might cause you to not know for certain anymore that what you have faith in also happens to be certainly true. You must be obedient until the day you die if you want to keep knowing it.
38) For behold, if you don't keep up the programming, your rational side might emerge. You might find yourself starting to wonder things like 'hey, maybe this seed didn't grow because sometimes they just don't.
39) If it doesn't grow it's your own goddamned fault. Haven't you been listening?
40) If you try to pull any of that logic, God will kick your balls so hard you'll turn into a girl.
41) This is the true order of things. Pray about my words, and if you don't get an answer then just keep praying about them for the rest of your life until you do. Meanwhile, give me all your money. Someday you may get a good feeling after your prayer, and that’s all the certainty you’ll ever need.
42) So, in summary, do everything I tell you and your wildest dreams will come true.
43) Now, give me all your money.
44) And it came to pass that the men in the multitude did listen to what Alma said with hearts open and legs crossed. And they were all so astonished by his vulgarity and his profanity that they did believe unto his words.