Monday, March 31, 2014

From the Other Words of Moroni (Guest Contributor 2) Ether Chapter 2

From the Other Words of Moroni (Guest Contributor 2) Ether Chapter 2

1 And it came to pass that Jared and his brother (whose name is actually Mahonri Moriancumer, but whose name must be avoided for no discernable reason and whom I shall call the bitch of Jared since he basically did all the work but Jared did remain his ruler), and their families, and also the friends of Jared and the Bitch of Jared and their families, went down into the valley which was northward, (and the name of the valley was Nimrod - well, not really –the valley was called Hill Valley, but that name sounded boring so I stole this much funnier sounding name out of the Bible) with their flocks which they had gathered together, male and female, of every kind.

2 And they did also lay snares and catch fowls of the air, for birds would certainly have no problem being confined in a snare within an enclosed vessel for many months and yea; and they did also prepare a vessel, in which they did carry with them the fish of the waters. And they did make this vessel for the fish enclosed so that the fish would not spill out when the boat flipped over, because fish don't really need light or air or anything like that when Jesus (for thus would his name be called) is keeping them alive. And they did go to all this trouble because while traveling on the sea because, verily, they were not sure that they would find a large enough body of water into which they could cast a net.

3 And they did also carry with them deseret, which, by interpretation, is a honey bee – even though there is precious little room on these plates, I Moroni could not have just said “and they brought bees along too” I had to use a bizarre word that doesn’t match any known native American language and then translate it, taking up twice the space otherwise needed and pointlessly distracting from the narrative. And thus they did carry with them swarms of bees and many of their company who transported the bees were stung repeatedly and died. Yea especially the small children and those with allergies were smitten with a lethal curse of stings that could have been avoided if they had but opted to not eat sweets until they got to the Promised Land, where they could have found sugar cane or used the Melipona beecheii, which was actually native to the Americas. And now I, Moroni, wonder why I felt that writing about bees was relevant when they brought so many things with them that could actually matter…

4 And it came to pass that when they had come down into the valley of Nimrod the Lord came down and talked with the bitch of Jared; and he was in a magical cloud, and the bitch of Jared saw him not. And verily it almost as though God was playing hide and seek in the fog, but wouldn’t let the bitch of Jared win.

5 And it came to pass that the Lord commanded them that they should go forth into the wilderness, yea, into that quarter where there never had man been. And the Lord did go with them as he stood in a cloud and gave directions which way they should go for verily, the Lord doth not always chill with His sons and daughters, but when He does, He prefers to hang out in a cloud.

6 And it came to pass that it was expedient that I, Moroni, should clarify (again, despite these cursedly small plates that leave no room for useful details like what happened to the horses in the Americas, but have endless room for repetitious emphasis and clarifications) that they did travel in the wilderness, and did build barges in which they did cross the many waters, being directed by the hand of the Lord.

7 And the Lord would not suffer that they should stop beyond the sea in the wilderness, but he would that they should come forth even unto the land of promise, which the Lord God had preserved for a righteous people. And again, it behooveth me that I should make it known that nobody inhabited this land before Jared and his bitch and all those who would follow him. And verily this must be taught to all until the proof that it is not true becomes so readily available that the story must be changed to pretend that those inspired of God knew all along that the Jaredites weren’t the first to arrive.

8 And he had sworn in his wrath unto the bitch of Jared, that whoso should possess this land of promise, from that time henceforth and forever, should serve him, the true and only God, or they should be swept off when the fullness of his wrath should come upon them, for verily God is a very insecure and vindictive asshole.

9 And again, I say unto you that God is a huge dick and will FUCKING MURDER YOUR ASS if you do not obey his commandments, for thou canst mock him with thine iniquities if thou pleasest, but he shall wipe thee out with a "natural" disaster, you insubordinate piece of shit. [And yea, the satirist did wonder how he did write so much mockery of God and his “gospel” without being wiped out by a plague. Yeah, the worst that has afflicted him was a recent bout of particularly squirty diarrhea. But this doth confuse the satirist who verily believes with all his heart that God is the same today, yesterday, and forever, and is waiting to be struck dumb and trodden down under carriages or turned into a pillar of salt. For if this happens not, God will not have continued to be the same today as yesterday.]

10 And yet again, I say unto you again, that you will serve God or he will cause your babies to die of cancer, for killing people is how he teaches people to obey him, especially babies because even though God declares them as innocents and pure, he doesn’t have any qualms about using them as pawns in his quest to punish those who mock him. [And the satirist would like to further note that his children are well and since he liveth in the Promised Land, the curse should still apply.]

11 And verily, verily, I say unto ye again that God will be utterly pissed if you do not obey him, and he will bless you with a slow and painful death, that ye might learn to obey him, for who wouldn't want to obey a man that will kill you if you don't? For verily, God is a jealous god and his ways are not your ways. Unless, you are an insecure, petty, jealous, baby murderer, in which case you and God have quite a bit in common.

12 But yea, if God is having one of those days where he doesn't feel like killing people, he might ony make you a permanent slave to a hostile people if you don't eat a piece of bread and drink a small cup of water once a week, and pay large sums of money to him which he greatly needs to accomplish his purposes. Also, don't masturbate or God will strike you blind while you are enslaved.

13 And verily, God’s love for you is so incredibly shallow that He only extends it to you insomuch as you love Him and obey His every whim. For if you step out of line even so slightly as trying to help another person not drop a sacred artifact or sparing the lives of innocents whose death God commanded, God hates you and will kill despite your good intentions. And behold, it came to pass that Jared and his brethren arrived at the seashore and popped a tent (giggle); and they dwelt in tents for the space of four years. And in case it wasn't clear, they dwelt in tents. On the seashore. For four years. And they called the place Moriancumer. Why I can reveal that, but not reveal that Moriancumer is the bitch of Jared’s name is very enigmatic. Some might even claim that it’s anachronistically illogical.

14 And it came to pass that the Lord chastened the bitch of Jared for not calling upon him, saying: What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? I was totally chilling out in a cloud with you guys during all your travels and you couldn’t even remember to call upon me often enough after I abandoned you for four years on the sea shore? It’s always the same thing, isn’t it? I call a prophet and he doesn’t call on me. Or he doesn’t want to preach to the people of Ninevah and I have to have a fish eat him. Or he starts up a Ponzi scheme, calls it a bank, and claims that I told him it would be enormously successful and then when that falls through, he tells everyone that I told him to sleep with their wives and 14 year old daughters and calls it spiritual wivery. Fuck. I really do a shitty job of choosing prophets. Maybe you guys shouldn’t listen to me.

15 And the bitch of Jared pleaded with God to not kill him and all his people for his selfish stupidity, saying that if a person can blame a Ponzi scheme on the Lord and not even be reprimanded, then he should be granted mercy. And God did remind the bitch of Jared that he is first God's bitch, and secondarily Jared's, and also did remind him that he would cut him off forever if he kept being so selfish.

16 And the Lord said: Get off your lazy asses and build yourselves some barges, after the manner of barges which ye have hitherto built. And it came to pass that the bitch of Jared did go to work, and also his brethren, and built barges after the manner which they had built, according to the instructions of the Lord, who was still angry that they didn't pay more attention to him, so he decided to play a joke on them and force them to make the worst designed boats in the history of the world. And they were small, and they were light upon the water, for verily if you were going on a really long journey across the ocean, you would probably want a small ship that is really light.

17 And they were built after a manner that they were exceedingly tight, even that they would hold water like unto a dish; and the bottom thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the sides thereof were tight like unto a dish; and the ends thereof were peaked, and they were also tight like unto - you'll never guess - a dish (stupid); and the top thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the insides were tight like unto a dish; and the entrance was tight like unto a dish; and their dishes were tight like unto a dish; and a dish was the tightest thing I could possibly think of; and I want to emphasize that the whole motherfucker was tight like unto a dish. And yea, verily, they gave praise unto God for in teaching them to make ships tight like unto a dish, He had given them technology that didn’t exist yet. Prime directive be damned.

18 And it came to pass that the bitch of Jared cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, please do not kill me and my family, for I have done everything thou hast commanded. And again I plead with you not to murder all of us.

19 And behold, O Lord, please do not strike me down for inquiring, but how in the fuck are we supposed to see in these death traps? And what about air?

20 And the Lord said unto the bitch of Jared: Why in the hell did you not think of that? Do I have to tell you everthing? Cut a fucking hole in the top and bottom. And the Lord went back to killing impoverished humble people in the poorer parts of the world for they had been neglected while the Lord spent years playing hide and seek in his cloud with the bitch of Jared.

21 And it came to pass that the bitch of Jared did so, realizing his design was incredibly idiotic and would ensure certain death, even though it was what the Lord had told him to do.

22 And he cried again unto the Lord saying: O Lord, behold I have done even as thou hast commanded me; but it's still pitch fucking black inside. And it already smells like ass, and we haven't even gone anywhere yet. Behold, O Lord, when we try to air the barge out by opening only the top hole, behold, the stink doth not escape, for there are always two holes required for proper ventillation, and I fear after many days it will become difficult for us to breathe.

23 And the Lord said unto the bitch of Jared: Dude, quit bothering me with your petty little complaints. Windows haven't even fucking been invented yet, but I’ll pretend that they’re an option as though you would know what they are… But what the hell do you expect ME to do? And you can't use fire, because you can't use fire. I may be omnipotent to the point where I can make a bush burn without being consumed, but I can’t make a fire that doesn’t go out and doesn’t burn the wood that the boat is made of. That is beyond my God powers.

24 For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; except you shall travel much, much slower than that, because I do not like any of you. Yea, if you were to toss a bottle into the ocean, it would arrive in the promised land a year and a half before you, but without my help.  But you better remember to bow down to me like all the time or I will drown your asses, for it is I that shall bring you out of the depths of the sea, not the laws of physics, tides, or winds – even though those things would move you way faster.

25 And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come, for I fully plan on using them to annihilate you all at once if you don't do everything I say exactly how and when I say it. And since you seem to need my help with basically everything, and are too lazy to figure out how to fix this problem yourself because it's such a terribly shitty design, what magical instrument will you have me prepare for you to solve all your fucking problems?

1 comment:

  1. I read this whole thing with a huge grin on my face. Well done!

    "The whole motherfucker was tight like unto a dish." Heh.