11) And now, my son, I have somewhat more to say unto thee than what I said unto thy brother; for behold, hasn’t thou seen how much better he is than thee? Why art thou so worthless?
22) For thou didst return home early from thy mission, boasting that thou didst have PTSD, which entitled thee to be honorably discharged, when in fact thou knew thou wast lazy and did not preach the gospel to other shoppers in the supermarket when thou didst have the chance. I would have rather thou hast returned home in a pine box than under such circumstances!
33) And this is not all, my son. Thou didst do that which pained me to the very core, for thou didst leave thy district boundaries to watch that soccer game on thy preparation day and didst not ask permission from thy district leader, who was younger than thee.
44) And thou didst even do that which was most abominable over all things, for thou didst attend the soccer game with the 19-year-old Isabel. Yeah, and she was wearing a tank top, but this was no excuse for thee, my son. Thou shouldst have been trying to convert people in thy entrusted proselyting area.
55) Know ye not, my son, that normal sexual relations are more abominable in the sight of the Lord than torture, drug trafficking, and domestic violence?
66) I don’t care what thou claimest thou did or did not do! Behold, touching a young woman’s vagina is right up there next to murder! Of course it’s not like thou didst become an atheist, for that would have been a sin which is unpardonable, and thank God thou aren’t guilty of that crime, for thou wouldst have been struck down and sent to outer darkness! But thy worth as a human being is still lost forever, for thou hast become like a chewed up piece of gum, or a licked cupcake – worth for naught save to be cast into the trash.
77) Now don’t interrupt me, my son. I would to God thou hadn’t licked her clitoris, for this is verily designated by God’s prophets as an unholy and impure practice. Yea, and I know thou didst begin this cycle of sin by masturbating. For verily, I wouldn’t be making thee confess to all of this in great detail if it were not for thine own good.
88) Behold, thou cannot hide these crimes against humanity from God, and as thy priesthood leader, I have been given the gift of discernment and even though it has failed me in the past in that I did not see that thou hadst sin in thy heart when thou departed on thy mission, it always works, so don’t try to deny it any longer.
99) Thou must repent of this thing, and until thou doest, I shall keep thy temple recommend in my top drawer and inform thy neighbors in the ward that thou hast been disfellowshipped for sexual offense and art not worthy to be extended a calling of leadership. An thou shalt have to abide the shame of thy neighbors' judgment.
110) Talk to thy brothers, for they’ve never even masturbated. I know because they told me so. And my power of discernment never fails me.
111) Don’t watch movies that feature girls without sleeves, for in the moment thou seest a bare shoulder the devil will have hold over thee and will cause thee to rape the next available girl thou seest like a cat in heat. Behold, O my son, how great iniquity ye brought upon thine investigators, for when they saw thee watching the PG-13 movie they would no longer believe thy words.
112) And now, the Spirit of the Lord doth say unto me that thou art commanded to stop taking illicit drugs. I do not know why the spirit saith this unto me, but take it as thou wilt.
113) Turn to the Lord. Desist from wickedness. Tie thy hand to the bed post at night if thou needest, and never cease singing hymns, for behold nobody could possibly be thinking of sex while singing “Come, Come ye Saints!” Seriously, no one. Where most women say they have a headache when they don’t want to have sex, thy mother simply sings “Come, Come Ye Saints” and the desire goes out of me. And the irony of the title of that hymn is lost on her in that situation.
114) Seek not after a career, for thou art clearly never going to have a family to take care of once all the girls in the stake figure out that thou art a filthy sinner. They have all been brought up to seek out worthy faithful RM, not a weak, deviant piece of slime like thee.
115) And now, my son, I would say something about Christ. It’s a secret, so don’t tell anybody. Now listen up. He’s going to be the one to come and die on the cross. Pretty cool, huh?
116) And now, as thou art clearly not going back out on thy mission, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to send thee on splits with the local elders until thou hast made up the time thou wouldst have spent out there. Behold, at eight hours a week this shouldn’t take more than three or four years.
117) And now I will ease thy mind somewhat on this subject, for thou dost appear distressed, and I love thee very much. But yea, I would rather that thou wert dead than that thou hadst lost thine virtue.
118) Nevertheless, behold, once thou hast made up all the hours I shall purchase for thee a new car, and then thou wilt be able to drive anywhere thou pleasest, so long as it is to BYU. Is it not necessary that thou shouldst have some incentive?
119) And it came to pass that Corianton did hearken unto the words of Alma, his father, and did work in Alma’s car dealership where he did earn commissions for lying about how well the cars drove. For some reason, saddling people who couldn’t afford the payments with a lemon that would run for 34 days before blowing up, was acceptable in the site of God, but touching his pee pee was not. And it came to pass that after four years had ended Alma did give unto him one of his used cars, and Corianton did flee to BYU where he did get married in the new temple one month later. And behold, after eight months Alma did receive his first grandchild with great joy and did call his son blessed.