Wednesday, June 25, 2014

From the Other Words of Moroni (guest contributor) - Intro to the Book of Mormon

Intro to the Book of Mormon

An account chiseled by tools held by the hand of Mormon which did receive instructions from his brain, upon plates which had already been written upon by Nephi, but which had to be erased to make room for this abridgment – a laborious task I assure you!

Wherefore, it is an abridgment of the record of the people of Nephi, and also of the Lamanites – written to the Lamanites, and also unto the Nephites who did intermarry with the Lamanites during the 300 years of peace following the coming of the Savior, not that genetics matter in this book anyway, and also to Jew, Gentile, and pretty much every fucking person on the face of this planet, which is Earth, for behold it is written by the spirit of revelation, not to be confused with translation or accurate historical representation, and was partially sealed and hidden so that Gadianton robbers wouldn’t find it and melt it down and eat it, thus forever preventing its contents from being able to appear in the middle of a rock buried in a hat and thwarting the purposes of God forever and ever.  Behold, thank the Lord your God that nobody ever took these plates away, for I Moroni did work awfully hard on the contents of that sealed portion!
There’s also a little bit written by Ether, which is a record of the people of Jared, who were scattered back when the entire population of the Earth spoke the same Babble and tried to draw near unto God, and God got so pissed off that he rewired their brains.  And that’s to show how great and wonderful things the Lord hath done for his people, and that God hasn’t forgotten or reversed the language curse – and also to convince people with opposable thumbs and also people without opposable thumbs that Jesus appears to everybody, even you, believe it or not.  And if there are any faults, they are the faults of men, for men did write this book, and not God.
Did I mention the Mulekites?  Damn, I totally forgot to mention the Mulekites.

Scryed by Joseph Smith, JUN.

Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and mollusks, unto whom this work shall come: That we, through supernatural and magical power, have seen the highly unnecessary plates, which contain a record of the millions of people whose bones decomposed so thoroughly they’ll never be found again.  And we did behold these plates with our spiritual eyes, which is to say we did not actually see them, but we did, and we have been commanded by God to say that we saw them, so it’s not like we’re going to back down anyway, and while we are heavily invested in this project and have staked our life-long reputations on it, we’re seriously not going to deny any of it, ever, for then everyone would think we’re just frauds and conmen and we’d never be able to show ourselves in public again, much less take public office.  This is the 19th century after all.  Just don’t ask us to solicit the opinion of any impartial observers etc...  That would just be bad form and is seriously not what God is going for.
Joseph Smith’s distant cousin
Joseph Smith’s investor
David Whitmer

Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and wookies, unto whom this work shall come, that Joseph Smith Junior, the author and proprietor of this work, has shown us the frock, or the pillowcase, which did contain the plates of which hath been spoken, which he said have the appearance of gold, but which Josiah Stowel insists look like a solid green brick, and which others say just contains a box of sand, and as many of the leaves as the said Smith has translated, as opposed to revealed by inspired revelation, we did handle in our hands, through the frock, or pillowcase, for we were forbidden to see them; and we also saw the engravings, which Joseph Smith had copied onto normal paper and sent to Charles Anthon, and they have the appearance of ancient work, and don’t make much sense at all, but are really cool nonetheless.  And this we bear record with rare soberness, for we have seen and hefted the frock, or pillowcase, and it was really fucking heavy, and we lie not, so help us God.
David Whitmer’s dad
David Whitmer’s brother
David Whitmer’s other brother
David Whitmer’s sister… nah, just kidding, no girls allowed… another brother
That sister’s husband though
Joseph Smith’s dad
Joseph Smith’s brother
Joseph Smith’s other brother

The Prophet Joseph Smith’s own words about the coming forth of the Book of Mormon are:
“One night, after tricking everybody by making them dig for gold that wasn’t there, I started thinking of other cons I could pull to get out of working…
“While I was thus aplotting, I discovered a light in my room, and it did increase until a ghost appeared at my bedside, floating above my sleeping brothers, for behold there were six of us that had to share the one room.
“He had on a beautiful purplish robe that exposed his voluminous beautiful chest, which was chiseled to perfection and hairless just like my butt, and I tried to get a peek up his robe but all I could see was a little above his ankles.  I could tell he was naked under that robe, though, for he did verily have an erection the size of the Eerie Canal.
“And he did shine like my farmer’s tan, only brighter, like the sun at noon day, and when I first looked directly at him I was afraid that my brothers would wake up, but none of them did, so the fear soon left me.
“And he said ‘hey Joseph,’ and I said ‘what?’ and he said ‘my name is Nephi, please don’t forget that detail.  God wants you to start a church and become this huge controversial figure.’
“He said he wanted me to dig up some gold plates which revealed that Native Americans are of Hebrew origin, and that they contained the fullness of the everlasting gospel, all except for the priesthood and the saving ordinances;
“Also, that there were some spectacles that God prepared to help translate the book and which would identify me as a seer, but which I wouldn’t actually end up using, neither would I need the breastplate, compass, or the rusted bronze ornamental sword of Laban, though it was somehow important that these things be included.
“He then told me that if I showed them to anyone I should be destroyed, for behold, if anyone had actually been allowed to see the plates then God’s work would have been ruined forever, for behold, physical evidence doth turn people into murdering rapists that like to chop babies into tiny pieces and eat them, whereas blind faith causes people to always make right decisions.  Oh, and at that moment I spontaneously knew exactly where the plates were hidden.
“So then he disappeared, and then he reappeared again and said ‘wait, one more thing.’
“He then repeated everything he already said like a broken record and then informed me that everyone in the world was going to get eaten by piranas, just so I know, and then he disappeared again.
“By this time I was wide awake, and began to wonder what a pirana was and what it must like to be eaten by one, for behold I knew nothing about the indigenous species of the Americas.  But what was my surprise when again he appeared unto me and repeated it all yet again, which caused me to be very suspicious that he was a pre-recorded message and not an actual live ghost.  He then told me that if I even think about using the plates to start a church that would allow me to profit on the extortion of large amounts of money and property from my followers, he would send a mob to murder my ass.
“So once he disappeared again, the cock crowed, and my brother Hyrum arose and said ‘did you hear something?’
“So I got up and went out to cut grain with my brothers so we could pay the money we owed on the farm, for we had a new land agent who wasn’t going to let us freeload any more.  And my father, who wasn’t actually there with me, saw that there was something wrong with me, and sent me back to my house.  On my way I decided to take a nap by the fence.
“But alas, as I lay there, the angel appeared to me again, and I said ‘what are you doing?  Somebody’s going to see you!’ And he said ‘maybe if you would tell your father about me already, he wouldn’t have to!’
“So when my brother Alvin found me, I immediately told him to go to the house and fetch my father, for that’s where my father actually was.  And my father said the spirit was of God and fitted me out with a black cloak, a handkerchief, and a horse with a switch-tail, for thus had the spirit commanded me.  And I went to the place where the plates were hid.
“Convenient to the Village of Manchester, New York, lies a hill carved out by glaciers from the last ice age.  Pretty close to the top, in plain sight where nobody would ever be able to find it again, lay the plates, deposited in a rather conspicuous stone box.
“Having removed the earth from the sides, I obtained a lever, for I wasn’t strong enough to move any portion of the stone box from its original location, and pried off the top, and indeed I saw all those useless objects.
“I made an attempt to take them out, but was forbidden by a frog, which transformed into an angel and beat me three times across the head, which hurt considerably, but not as badly as the names he called me while doing it.  He then told me to come back in one year and bring my brother Alvin.
“But two months later Alvin died.  So when I went back alone the following year the spirit was angry and beat me again, calling me names, and told me to find the right person.  So the following year after that I brought my neighbor Samuel Lawrence and showed him where the plates were buried, but he wasn’t playing along, so later I told him that I had actually taken him to the wrong spot just to throw him off the trail.  Shortly after that I met Emma, though, who gave me the best barn sex I’d ever had in my life, so I knew at once she was the right person.
“After we eloped and I promised her father I wouldn’t dig for treasure any more, I took Emma aside and admitted that I’d made everything up, but then people started spreading rumors that I had found the plates, so I had to reverse engineer a story that Emma and I had gotten them and hid them in a birch log.  That was probably a bad idea, though, because then they started saying things like ‘well go get them then!’  So I went to the woods, not knowing beforehand what I should do, and after having looked around me and finding myself alone, I knelt down, took off my frock, and began to fill it with white sand.  When I got home I told my family the plates were in the frock, but they weren’t allowed to see them lest they be destroyed, and once I arrived in my room I did do a fist pump.
“I soon found out why the spirit had told me not to let anyone take a look, for behold all kinds of people started asking to see the plates.  Well, okay, I did promise a few people they’d get a look and then reneged, but David and Oliver will vouch for me.  I mean seriously, you would not believe how many people want evidence before making up their mind about something.  I had to dodge them left and right.  I mean, if the spirit had actually let me show them the plates, they probably wouldn’t have ransacked my house trying to get a look, and might have cooperated with me in bringing them to light, and that just would not have gone over well.  Some of them even thought that, since they had dug for my fake treasures over the years, they were entitled to a share in the profits or something.  What losers.  So I translated the Book of Mormon by divine revelation using my old seer stone while the plates lay in the forest, and when the time came the angel took the plates back and he has them to this day.”

For a more complete account, talk to your nearest 18-year-old missionary, or visit our website at

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